On the contrary, developing a deep relationship with someone very different than myself (different religions, native languages and countries, socioeconomic class, race, gender) has shown me the lies I've been telling myself all my life.

It's easy to identity lies and hypocrisy in others. But the brain has all sorts of tricks to prevent it from looking inwards; at least for me it prefers feeling rewarded to deep self-criticism. Finding someone who sees me and will happily call me on my assumptions, conditioning, and BS has been a great gift.

I feel like we need both. There are mental/emotional experiences I have on the regular which there is no point in trying to communicate to someone else but still bring me great benefit. We need to value our alone time, absolutely.

We also ultimately derive pretty much everything we most value in life from our interactions with other lives, which is why I think it's so important to develop high-trust relationships with at least one or two other people so we can continue to grapple with the fact that we all have different perspectives, weaknesses and strengths and can usually learn more and get significantly more things done when we cooperate than when we're running solo. Which requires trust.

YMMV, of course. Some people can go build a cabin in the woods and live off the land and spend all their free time meditating and be perfectly happy. But that's not most of us. And even those people eventually get too old to keep taking care of themselves.

This is an interesting perspective but I think both are necessary. At different times in my life (perhaps correlated to the "brain eras," though I'm still a bit skeptical of the details here) I've needed others for development and contentment, and at other times, I've needed to focus on self-love and solo happiness as you describe.

Whatever your "meaning of life" may be, it's not the estimation of you that other people have that is important, but we are incredibly social creatures. Life is really not possible for individuals of our species without some level of society and community. Even Christopher Knight - the North Pond Hermit in Main who lived alone without human contact for 27 years - survived by burglarizing cabins and camps and was eventually reintegrated into society.

I guess my point is this is a dialectic. Both can be true, and both are true. The "trust almost 100% with all of myself" might be debatable, but "I could not do it with at least one other person" seems kind of obvious, as does "Learning to be happy alone is vital to becoming an adult."

Both of you are right - OP is right that life does become weary when you have to do everything yourself, with no help or support from others - and that includes emotional support. We are social creatures, after all. You are right that we as adults also need to learn to be comfortable / content with our thoughts when we are alone with them, and not define our happiness through our relations. We all need both solitude and company, to introspect and grow.

The danger with self reinforcement is you can convince yourself of almost anything.

There are many selves, and you will never know your true self. Because you can only process yourself through your own mind, which will perform transforms, regardless of how hard you try not to. And maybe there isn't even a true self, only perceptions.

We're a social species. It's not a funhouse mirror, it's just another side of your personality. No human can even survive in isolation, so the solitary side of you is an exceptionally small part of who you are.

>I learned that the meaning of life has nothing to do with other people or their estimation of me.

i think of this as the 'no longer caring if my socks match' era.

why:

You can't see them, my jeans cover my ankles

why are you looking at my socks?

both socks have the same texture that's all that matters

who has time to sort socks?

I’m going to go against the grain here.

The parent’s advice is toxic and mistaken. It’s a road to codependency. I’ve been with my wife 20 years, married 15. I would have said the same thing they said — I can’t do it all on my own, I need someone else.

Rubbish. And also dangerous rubbish. I’ve been weak for a long time simply because I hadn’t taken myself seriosuly. I literally believed that I couldn’t do it alone, which was wrong.

It was unfair to my wife to use her as an emotional support when she didn’t want to be. She’s been there for me a lot over the years. But when you tell someone that you can’t do it without them, it’s no longer their decision, and that’s unfair. Both to her and to me.

Please read Codependent No More, and especially Lost in the Shuffle by Subby. (I’ve identified a lot more with the latter.)

The point is, it’s okay to be having a rough time with your wife. Let go. Let her do her own thing. Stop caring so much. It’s okay for her to be upset and not want to help/have sex/go to an event/involve you/whatever the problem may be. The reason it feels rough is because you personally let it feel rough. Once I adopted that mindset, it became so much easier. And ironically my marriage improved.

Meds are also important. Make sure you’re on a good dosage of antidepressants if you need them, and a mood stabilizer. I recently started Latuda and dropped Seroquel per my psychiatrist, and it’s been night and day.

Lastly, keep trying to talk to people about your problems. I ended up reaching out to a random person on Twitter. They were kind and to my surprise happy to listen. It was one of the main reasons I was able to get through it all. The best person to talk to is a therapist, though I’d be happy to listen till you can find one.

You’re strong. You need to believe that. And you’re strong independently of your family or anyone else. Give yourself credit for getting as far as you have; that part has been important too.

Sorry I don’t know your circumstances but “Walking on Eggshells” by Langford has literally saved me.

The only wisdom I can offer: other people emotions don’t have to control yours (despite what they tell you). The best take on this that I know: be like a goose - they don’t get wet, just shake it off.

And take care of yourself!

I'd hit up a solo therapist. I went through a hard time with my wife and turns out she just sucks. Be warned that she sucked a lot worse in the divorce and states differ wildly in how biased they are against fathers if you have kids.

It was helpful to figure out some of my stuff and deal with a bunch of trauma.

I have had many difficult times with my current S.O. over 15+ years.

Everyone's situation is different, but I can say that in even a semi-healthy relationship, time heals many wounds, greater mutual understanding grows, hard edges can soften and people will often surprise you. You can also learn things you could improve about yourself which you were previously blind to. The sense of stability this reinforces is immensely helpful.

On the other hand, I also have an ex-- and while I wish I would have ended that differently in hindsight, it did need to end for my mental health to improve. If you are with someone who abuses you, cannot be reasoned with and never admits fault, it is wise to plan several exit strategies.

Consider posting on https://interpersonal.stackexchange.com/ . Note however that they don't allow posts about identifying problems - e.g. Why am I having a hard time with my wife?. Rather, you are expected to know what is your specific problem and seek solution to that. Don't go to Reddit - the standard advice there will be "your wife / husband is a toxic partner, run and get a divorce".

Every person is different. Some people don't need a stable relation, some people *can't have* a stable relation, some people thrive with it.

Every relation is different. A successful relation is built when both side are compatible.

What does compatible mean, though? Some relations are swingers. Some relations follow strict religious rules. Some people need taking a beating, and I don't mean an erotic one. In None of this cases I am meaning they are codependent, and then there are successful codependent relations.

The only constant I have seen is that every successful relation has discussions, fights, momments when they considered separating. And there is compromise, in every case.

I am sorry I don't have any specific advice. Good luck

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It's not so tersely defined as that, I don't think. It's kinda like wax in a lava lamp of information. Some gloops, the others glop, until eventually you gloop and glop and feel confident. Rigid labels and markers on the spectrum don't really hold universally true, I'm finding.

It's not helpful to redefine terms separately from the article.

You certainly don't need to have someone in your life -- as someone who married late and has two kids now I sometimes look back on my long period of begin single with fondness -- but I would also recommend being very honest with yourself. Very few people are totally undesirable and expecting others to meet some predetermined standard is very common among people that don't interact socially very often (I speak from experience). While I'm lucky that my wife is very bright (and in many ways much smarter than me) the most important thing that she has given me is new perspectives on life and seeing that it's more important to be kind and helpful than smart.

It's very hard to see outside of our early conditioning without outside perspectives. We may have a vague sense that we might not have been given the best tools for social development (we may even be brutally aware of it), but having someone that has the skills that we are missing is often more important than that they have equal skills in areas we are strong in. Having a good partner can make you realize things about yourself and open you up to things that you never even realized were there.

> I need to feel equal on a cognitive level and not a lot of people match that requirement. I either feel lesser or above.

Expecting perfection out of life is definitely a road to unhappiness.

What makes someone worth talking to?

If you're less [intellectual? experienced?] then you can learn and grow.

If you're above, you can foster them, teach, inspire.

These are all worthwhile. But maybe not things you want or find fulfilling?

Why are you so arrogant that you feel most others aren't on your cognitive level? Most likely you're not actually as smart as you think you are.

Your A) is a fallacy. Carefully consider that one. Fore B) You're mad projecting onto other people. I used to do this and frankly, I came across as a complete ass a lot of the time. People are super complicated and no other person can figure them out completely, let alone as quickly as you think you are.

The parent comment was talking about having trauma. They were probably once in a position where they very much weren’t healthy, and through the gradual gaining of awareness came to the realization that they needed help.

If I had a broken leg, it’s obviously not going to help trying to fix it myself. Why would it be a stretch that unhealthy thought patterns, which by their nature are self reinforcing, not require an external influence to help break the feedback loops?