> In later stages, try to mirror emotions ("I understand that you feel sad because..." instead of "don't cry, it's not that bad").

I'm very skeptical that these orwellian rephrasings do any good. I'm super skeptical of this whole approach to speak differently in relationships, at work etc. I've mostly seen this whole "nonviolent communication", therapy-talk and related stuff used as manipulative verbal judo to sound nice but be mean with leaving no avenue to be criticized.

I don't see how this pampering will produce emotionally robust kids. In fact whatever has been this stuff recently seems to have produced an overly anxious and fearful new generation.

> I understand that you feel sad because..." instead of "don't cry, it's not that bad").

Since children have very limited experience, I think it is important for them to know that their feelings are valid instead being discarded. This makes them understand their own feelings and build empathy for others. Otherwise you are basically teaching the kids other's feelings are invalid or not important to be acknowledged. Think of it as model training to build empathy and understanding.

It's not really about the words, but about the intentions. If you speak the words without the intentions, then you get the orwellian mismatch you describe. So it's not really about "rephrasing" but more about "reorientation". The suggested phrasings are just a pointer to something deeper.

There are many ways of approaching this idea (nonviolent communication is one). This blog post is another for those interested: https://chrisbarber.co/resonance/

It comes up in evidence-based parenting programs. It helps them connect the feeling word to their internal state, which is a step toward building emotional regulation skills. You're also modeling empathy for them. But one issue rarely talked about is how parents tend to label uncomfortable emotions far more than other ones, which can inadvertently reinforce them and cause them to happen more frequently.

Yesterday, my 3 year old daughter was very upset because she wanted to wear her very dirty top from the day to bed. I took exactly the approach described. I didn't scold her for being upset about something that doesn't matter - it did to her! - I sympathised about how she felt, but also explained that it had to be changed.

This didn't result in her refusing and a big fight. She agreed and changed her top without any physical force.

As she did, she was still crying, but with hugs from me. Instead of me being the adversary imposing the rules, she got to have emotional support through what was, for her, a hard time.

She will not grow up to be an emotionally fragile adult, upset every time she needs to change her top. (At least, not because of that interaction.) That's giving your actions too much credit! She will learn for herself that it's not important. But she'll grow up feeling supported.

(Honestly, it probably wouldn't have been that bad if I had let wear it to bed! But I'm sure you wouldn't prefer that level of pandering.)

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Edit:

Piggybacking my comment to add: a great book on this subject is "How To Talk So That Kids Will Listen" and, for younger children, "How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen". An approach it advocates is:

1. Clearly sympathising with the child's emotion (as several of my replies say, this takes a lot more effort than just saying "I see that you're sad, oh dear").

2. Saying "The problem is ...". Not "but"! Like adults, children know that nothing before "but" means anything.

3. Give a brief reason why you're going to do something different. To repeat what I said in several comments, the goal is not to persuade them (although, of course, it's great if it does), just to demonstrate that there is a reason.

4. Follow through with the action regardless.

I have since seen my daughter saying to other children (or her animals during imaginary play) "the problem is..." :-)

It does have some great other tips e.g. using a visual timer to illustrate when there's some amount of time to complete an activity.

    overly anxious generation
    I feel

    I've mostly seen
    manipulation

Most children and young adults I interact with closely these days seem to be far more emotionally mature than my cohort or my parents' cohort.

But that's also just my anecdata.

I’m sorry that has been your experience. The language, like anything available and useful, can be used by anyone, and for any purpose.

It is sad that it has been abused by previous generations and in corporate uses to the point where we can no longer even receive emotional support without suspicion of intent.

I hope you are able to find a community where people who say that, feel it, and mean it, and partner with you to resolve the underlying issue.

The research is sound and comprehensive. Validate someone’s emotions then try and fix the problem.

Except… research is showing it works? You’re thinking of the “generation” (arbitrary lines) raised by people that didn’t yet have the tools and science for more responsive rearing.

Have you interacted with a toddler? They are completely unaware of their emotional state, they’ll just cry or complain. So you gently remind them that it’s indeed frustrating, or that they’re sad, etc. There’s nothing Orwellian about it, you’re merely giving them words to name emotions. And, ideally, they’ll grow up way less confused and reactive than the generation you’re thinking about.

Emotional resilience doesn’t come from “toughen up”, but rather from knowing what you’re feeling and how/why you gotta handle it in a healthy way.

Everything GP said is basically modern, evidence-based, good parenting.