I still don't know what a valid and an invalid feeling is supposed to mean. Kids should learn to calibrate their sense of proportion by parental guidance. Not everything that seems like a big deal to a toddler is one, and simply reaffirming that won't help. I wonder how many of these theorists have seen real kids do real kid stuff.

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matty22 11 hours ago | parent | next [-]

I've spent thousands of dollars and years in therapy because I was raised with the ethos of "Don't come to me unless you are bleeding" and "Why are you crying? You are crying for no reason." What that ethos led me to believe is that ALL emotions are irrational. So, I have a really hard time feeling empathy for others or being capable of putting myself in others' shoes in my adult relationships. Because in my head I'm thinking, "What's the big deal? Why is <partner> so worried about something that matters so little? She's crying for no reason."

That's why it's important to affirm your toddler's emotions. Even when it seems like a trivial event to you, their feelings and emotions about that trivial event are anything but trivial. And teaching them that feeling their feelings is silly or irrational will instill that belief in them for the rest of their lives.

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mangodrunk 11 hours ago | parent [-]

And many who grew up with parents affirming their emotions are also attending therapy. Perhaps, a bigger lesson would be that you are thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. You do seem capable of feeling empathy and you are thoughtful.

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ivell 10 hours ago | parent [-]

> affirming their emotions are also attending therapy.

Would be good to know for what they are going for therapy. Many people go for therapy for different issues. The parent post mentioned about empathy issues. But not clear what issues you are mentioning here.

	▲	mangodrunk 10 hours ago \| parent [-]
		That is true, but assuming that if their parents did things differently would have changed things for them seems wrong. It's always easy to blame parents.

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ivell 13 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

> Not everything that seems like a big deal to a toddler is one, and simply reaffirming that won't help

Some of divorces happen because one partner thinks the other partner's concern is not "big deal".

The goal is not to teach what issues are critical and what is not. This they will learn over time. The goal is to teach them empathy and you show it by example, showing empathy to their concerns - big or small.

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bonoboTP 13 hours ago | parent [-]

If you're an asshole, this stuff won't help. If you're a balanced person, obsessing over what words to use will just make you more anxious and worried and will do more harm to the kid than if you're just relaxed and say or phrase something in a way the parenting experts and TikTok therapists deem a nono.

	▲	ivell 12 hours ago \| parent \| next [-]
		> obsessing over what words to use will just make you more anxious and worried It is not exact words to memorize. It is about what attitude you bring to your child. If you really try to understand the toddler's sadness, you would realize that something important to her has been lost and instead of disregarding it as unimportant (for an adult), you would help her to find, make her understand her emotions etc. This is more about being empathetic and not about the right words to use. In case of psychologists, they are giving example phrases - doesn't have to be exact as long as the spirit of those phrases are maintained. Obviously being as asshole doesn't help, but most of the times children of assholes tend to be assholes due to the same reasons.
	▲	12 hours ago \| parent \| prev \| next [-]
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	▲	_DeadFred_ 12 hours ago \| parent \| prev [-]
		Parenting with love isn't phrasing. Parenting with love and logic gives a framework of understanding for a child to grow within, versus them learning (being forced) to adapt their behavior to arbitrary rules.

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MrGilbert 13 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

> I still don't know what a valid and an invalid feeling is supposed to mean.

Maybe that’s a topic you could dive in deeper on your own terms, then? And stay curious!