> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional

As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It bugs the hell out of me because I tend to need to solve All The Problems before I can do any self-care, but rather than seem heroic, I think this attitude can seem transactional or uncaring as though everyone is just a screw that needed a bit of tightening, etc.

I frame it not as turning a dial down, but as switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver.

Often when someone wants to talk about a situation involving difficult feelings, they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective.

You can help by being curious about what they're saying, reflecting it back to them in your own terms, explaining how what they're feeling is understandable, and offering context or alternative viewpoints. These are actually complex problem-solving skills, although they can all fall under the umbrella of what people mean when they say "to be heard".

As a man, I've realised that once my emotions feel validated and accepted, I relax and the practical solutions just pop into my mind.

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution.

This can become toxic in itself, though. Some times venting and being angry is what someone wants to do, but in a workplace environment that’s not a good thing to implicitly condone and support.

I’ve had some team members who just wanted to vent but not discuss solutions and (again, in a workplace, not personal relationship) it was a sign that something deeper was amiss: Being a perpetual victim of their circumstances and believing those circumstances were beyond their control was a safe, comforting place to exist. It was always easier to build up excuses that problems were thrust upon them by others, who could be held solely responsible for the results. In some cases I had to be very clear that they were responsible for working with teammates to address these issues together, not become a passive receiver of everything that happens with their peers.

Swooping in as the hero to solve everything for someone else isn’t a good solution, but (in a workplace environment) getting someone to switch from the passive victim mindset to the active mindset of engaging with their own problems is very important.

This is one topic where carrying advice from personal romantic relationships into the workplace isn’t a good idea, IMO.

I learned this from the show Parks and Recreation. Ann is pregnant and trying to vent, and Chris is looking to solve all her problems. This drives her nuts.

Clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdA8QNTqn-A

Good point.

Tangentially, you could ask: Are you addicted to being useful or to being recognized as useful.

One is your own need, the other often a covered contract where you lash out or silently resign if you don't get the recognition that you think you deserve.

I'm probably your wife.

It could be related to the personality trait of how much of our world model is "in our mind" vs "out there":

If I speak with you while working on the world model in my mind, it looks like I just "want to be heard". But your feedback is actually very important, it's just that it should only feed my mental world model.

I am then surprised that my math coprocessor reaches for the GPIO.

It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard.

I'm glad she managed to solve this problem in the end.

;)

> I tend to need to solve All The Problems before I can do any self-care

I can so relate. I once read something that shifted my perspective a bit and helped me start the work of learning to better care for myself.

It was basically somebody talking/writing about the safety instructions when taking a flight. They tell you that in case of an emergency, when the o2 masks drop down to first put your ownmas on, before helping others. Because you are no help, if you loose conciousness.

This image/metaphor , to first put my own mask on, so that I can ensure, I will be able to help others without falling over, was what helped me start this process.

I sadly can't remember if it was Brené Brown or where I originally read that.

I specifically ask my wife "Are you looking for me to help you solve this, or just venting?", because I automatically try to solve.

I usually ask if we're chatting if my partner is looking for any feedback/solution or if she just needs to be mad. It's pretty effective

Yeah, I am still learning to not be logical and fix whatever ails her. Often she really just wants to be heard, not solutions.

I am ~30 years old, hopefully I will be able to just hear, without offering any solutions. It bothers me too. I am a SWE because I love solving problems!

Well said...I have discovered the same in my own marriage of thirty years. I would add that even bringing a good solution in a relationship can go unheard, especially if the motivation is to be the fixer, and to be honest make your own life easier by silencing the other's point of frustration.

It's Not About The Nail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

> not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution

Relatable. Is true for even the simplest problems that some people have.

Sometimes they just didn't even address it yet and are only becoming adequately aware of it and here you are spelling out a plan of action during a 7 min encounter in the kitchen.

could this be a difference in male/female brains ? talks implies action for men, while women want to communicate most and maybe plan to act ? just curious, it's an issue that has been mentioned everywhere all the time

Super-relatable.

Now that I think about it, most of my advice starts something like "Here's what you're gonna do..."

Wait, that itself sounds like a problem, but how do I fix it...

This is kind of typical situation with men and women right, they need their girl friend coffee complaint time, we guys need similar beer time, albeit contents vary wildly. At least what you write fits every ex-gf I dated, and also fits my guy-brain expectations and resulting type of discussions.

Part of the setup by default, but should not take decades to discover or reveal. Similar to how women experience stuff mainly via emotions, hence what was fine yesterday may not be today albeit factually nothing changed.

101 of each adult should be also figuring out how one works (and how doesn't) and optimizing with other relevant parties further interactions.