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▲ I'm the Mom in That Viral Giants Clip. Let Me Tell You About My Husband(themomoftheyear.substack.com)
224 points by minimaxir 2 hours ago | 76 comments
▲collingreen 2 hours ago | parent | next [-]

Very well written both in prose and tone. I'm glad she decided to tell this story. If the author isn't a professional writer I think she could be.

This is a great "behind the scenes" style look at the actual people behind a viral clip. Luckily they have an extremely strong relationship to help soften the blows here, I'm not sure an average (not even bad!) relationship could come out of something like this unscathed.

There's something feral in us that comes out from time to time, especially online from the safety of our screens. I found the announcers within the range of good fun but when it gets to people reaching out to break up their marriage or telling him to kill himself it becomes really sobering.

I think this is part of what people are calling the lonlieness epidemic - despite thousands of screaming voices the whole thing makes me feel hollow and hopeless.

▲snovymgodym 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

A really toxic part of online interactions is that it's very common for people to see a tiny snippet of another person's life and then project all of their own personal resentments onto them.

▲neilv 26 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

That seems to be a big part of it.

There's a widespread problem of anti-intellectualism and acting-out, including, in the US, by both right and left. Most of the learning feedback to that -- pointing out to people when they might be missing something or acting unfairly -- is ignored, except to attack those who point it out.

AFAICT, for various reasons, they're proud of being warriors for their beliefs, and anyone who sounds like they're saying anything differently is the enemy, and the only thing you do with an enemy is score points against them or hurt them, while trying not to concede anything that the enemy would claim as points or hurt you. It's a toxic recipe for society.

Coincidentally, recently I've decided even Fedi isn't safe from that (it's just different and fewer people doing ideological bully thinking), and have resigned myself that issues of substance can't be discussed there either. Maybe the only safe thing to post is cat pictures.

I think it's much less a problem with HN. Of course, over time you realize certain positions get downvotes that aren't flattering to the people doing it, and some annoying commenting behaviors, and not always all the integrity we'd like to see, which are relatively mild by social media standards. However, I'm also seeing occasional random individual actor extreme toxicity problems with HN. And I'm anticipating some related but different kind of problems from how AI-powered tools will be easily used with the corpus/firehose to play toxic games.

▲geerlingguy an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Or speculation grows and a few hours later it's suddenly historical fact, like a modern version of telephone... just with a more harmful outcome.

▲darth_avocado an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

It’s not only online. Just last weekend, someone heckled me at Costco because my wife was pushing a heavy ass cart while I was walking freely next to her. She chose to do it, I offered to take it and she refused. But somehow a random stranger had something to say about it.

Online behavior is unfortunately a slightly worse mirror of real life. If you want to experience people outside of your bubble, just go to any public hearings or meetings and you’ll find that a lot of people are quite out there.

▲hattmall 33 minutes ago | parent [-]

Ok, but like were you offended, I feel like it's mostly a harmless slightly funny observation. I wasn't there but like were they really trying to be mean spirited with it? I live in the south and there's a pretty much constant running stream of public commentary on any and everything going on and 99.9% of it is friendly intentioned even if on the surface it's deriding. So really the idea of thinking someone is making a meaningful judgement is strange. And of course, even if they really were, why care?

▲pixelatedindex 20 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

> I wasn't there but like were they really trying to be mean spirited with it?

Flip genders and most likely people say things like this. Somehow men are just expected to deal with this but if it’s directed at a woman it’s all bad.

▲beedeebeedee 24 minutes ago | parent | prev [-]

I’ll jump in- why care? Because it sucks to have people taking pot shots at you. If it is just one, then sure, that isn’t so bad, but when you have a group doing it, it can become existential. You may not have seen this type of violence before but it is unsettling. A group of people can do low effort violence that feels fun and harmless to them (each taking a lazy swing at someone), but the cumulative effect can be beating up or killing someone. Getting yelled at, or having someone write threatening things to you, is not as bad as being punched or having a stone thrown, but it is still damaging to humans.

▲mahboi an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Story also mentions SF Giants sports commentators making jokes about this

▲everyone an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

Is there any benefit to social media? Just seems like a new form of cancer we have to deal with now along with everything else.

▲pipes an hour ago | parent | next [-]

A place for those who would be marginalised by their own community, gay, religious apostates etc etc.

Communicating with relatives on the other side of the world.

Maintaining old friendships that would have died due to distance.

Somewhere to find like minded people.

Somewhere like hacker news (I count it as social media top) where I discovered great books, expanded my horizons and learnt that there were other ways at looking at the world.

Anyway, it's not all bad :)

▲TFNA 27 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

You are describing old-school social-network designs that began to be marginalized already before Covid, not modern social media. The latter would prefer that you not forge or maintain authentic connections with other human beings, but rather doomscroll through endless-scroll content.

Keeping in touch with relatives or friends in much of the world has long since moved to chat apps like WhatsApp instead of an open social network.

▲santadays 34 minutes ago | parent | prev | next [-]

There are social sharing functions and then there are algorithmic feedback loops that induce doomscrolling. Pretty sure it’s technically feasible to have one without the other.

The question to me is, with enough content and a powerful enough recommendation algorithm trained with enough eyeballs can short form videos be considered addictive in a clinical sense? If so what are the deleterious effects of the addiction? Should it be regulated?

I’m all for freedom, but we regulate drugs because we deem them bad for society.

▲everyone an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

You can do most of that with IRC. There's a distinction imo between static webpages / IRC / forums, and modern "social media".

▲egeozcan 42 minutes ago | parent [-]

I don't use social media much myself, but I feel that this is going in the direction of that infamous dropbox comment.

▲readthenotes1 an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Homemade Dog videos. Not sure of anything else

▲gambiting an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

I think it's not even that there's a benefit to it, it's that a lot of traditional communities that had their own forums are now exclusively on Facebook groups. I'm in several groups for mountain biking, for cars, for 3D printing, and those communities just don't exist anywhere else online other than small pockets with very little activity. Discord is the other one that has captured a bunch, but it's mostly centered around gaming, memes and tech.

▲hefner1456 an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

If it was the other way around they would be saying what a hero he is lol.

Kinda off topic, but as a single Father I cant help but notice how much less of a support system Fathers get. When shit hits the fan its always people assuming the worst. A Fathers major support system is their Wives and Family. Good for him for having such a great Woman by his side... Im not complaining, just an observation

▲pixelatedindex 16 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

> If it was the other way around they would be saying what a hero he is lol.

I’m not so sure, I’m convinced people would not bat an eye. Or at least I don’t expect any positive compliments, only neutral or negative.

▲tegiddrone an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

Yeah, it is complicated because we do live in a very misogynistic civilization with patriarchal privileges. It’s just often difficult not to overcompensate to counterbalance and resist these circumstances. Treat people as individuals instead of the archetypes.

As author wrote: we need to practice the benefit of the doubt. Or I like the “trust but verify” pattern

▲figassis 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

That this is something that has to be told to adults is the saddest part of humanity. No one has grown up.

▲biglyburrito 2 hours ago | parent [-]

And she spells it out really well. But yeah.

▲minimaxir 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Viral clip in question: https://www.tiktok.com/@espnatbat/video/7688719334973230366

Article is about the impact of social media pile-ons (and has been getting praise within tech) so it is within scope for HN.

▲dualvariable an hour ago | parent | next [-]

I started to notice a bit over a decade ago (about the same time as Cersei's walk of shame on GoT) that millennials as a generation were piling into naming and shaming people publicly as blindly appropriate punishment, without any consideration of what could go wrong and considering it their right and entitlement to do that. Any time a public figure gets into any kind of trouble, people demand to know all the details so they can satisfy their need to express outrage. It really is not healthy. Even if another person who was harmed comes out to express that they are satisfied with the outcome and the process that was followed, the crowd still wants to know all the details so they can feel angry.

▲randycupertino 14 minutes ago | parent [-]

I think it's their frustration of other things they can't control - climate change, K-shaped economy, PFAS in everything, no healthcare, 7% and rising mortgages for $1.5 million 1000 sq ft built in 1965 shitboxes, corruption by politicians, suppressed elections, pedophile rings operating carte blanche while law enforcement casts a blind eye, presidential pardons for sale to the rich, clawbacks of longstanding LGBTQ and women's rights... culture wars against trans people to distract from class inequality.... and on and on.

Well, I can't make much progress on or change those things so let me distract myself checking out this shitbird who won't help his wife or hold the baby while she gets some nachos. I can be outraged at him because it's small and tangible compared to being outraged at structural inequality of our current economic reality or the looming climate crisis.

▲fhdkweig 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

TikTok threw up a big "login" popup that I couldn't skip, so here is a youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUwQmrEFf7E

▲ksymph an hour ago | parent [-]

Normally the comments on that video are something I could laugh along with, but reading them after the article is... sobering.

▲joe_the_user 10 minutes ago | parent [-]

The interesting way is the way the pinned post primes people to attack without it being obvious. Basically, they use assumptive language - "is this just how it's always been. Modern marriage or traditional marriage?" assumes that this two minute clip shows this couple's entire relationship.

And that kind of language to "get discussion going" is well know to those aiming for views.

▲Rzor 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Those comments are pure vitriol juice, my god, and they just keep coming from all angles as to why that dude is an absolutely piece of shit on very little data. Incredible stuff, and a good lesson right there.

▲mahboi an hour ago | parent [-]

Probably from unmarried people anyway

▲Quothling an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

I'm Danish, but how is this terrible? I should show these people a video of my twins sleeping in a snow covered trolley outside the bar I was having a beer and a board game by the window at.

▲Wistar an hour ago | parent | next [-]

When I first moved to Denmark, I marveled at the babies in unattended carriages parked outside the grocery stores.

▲pantulis an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

The only terrible thing is the food they're having.

▲throw93038383 an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

In Copenhagen I was strongly adviced not to leave my bicycle unlocked outside, for quick visit at a grocery store. Everyone I know takes their bikes home overnight.

▲heikkilevanto 15 minutes ago | parent [-]

Living in Copenhagen, I do not recognize that. I live in a city apartment on Vesterbro. We have maybe a hundred bikes parked in the backyard, nobody I know brings his bike home for the night, unless it is a really fancy racing bike. But yes, I do lock my bike when ever I really away from it.

▲artmanja111 an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Giants fan here. Watched the game. Even when it was happening and before knowing any of this, I could tell that Kruk and Kuip were going too far. It was starting to get super uncomfortable.

For those who aren't Giants/baseball fans, Mike Krukow (the Giants' color commentator) is retiring at the end of this season. He and Duane Kuiper have been the Giants' primary TV broadcast team for something like 37 years and have been best friends since they were teammates in the early '80s.

Krukow's mind is still sharp, but he has inclusion body myositis, and it's becoming unsafe for him to be anywhere other than at home.

It's just an emotional situation all around. They both thought that they would probably continue broadcasting together for at least a few more years, and now they're not.

So they're pulling out all of their usual schticks -- including poking fun at the fans -- and taking them really, really far because they know it's the last time.

I'm sure they would agree they went a little too far with that one.

▲didgetmaster an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Almost anyone can be seen as a hero or a zero if the right 15 second clip is captured. We love it when our best moments hit social media, but everyone also piles on when we are caught at our worst (or what appears to be bad, even if it not).

It is amazing how many haters emerge like in this case, when there is so much more to the story.

▲giarc 38 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

I was thinking of this recently. I "dogsit" for many families and had one recently that wasn't great on leash. She would do this thing where she would lay down and try to eat something off the ground (sticks, garbage, animal/dog poop, dead mice, dead birds... whatever she could find). Much of it would likely make her sick and therefore I would have to quickly pull on the leash to prevent her from eating some random thing she found. Being an 80lbs dog, I had to tug quite hard to quickly get her away from whatever she had found. If someone saw me in that moment, they'd probably think I was a terrible dog owner. Without the context that I was actually trying to prevent harm, someone could take a video, post online with the caption "Identify this dog abuser!" and ruin my reputation.

▲joe_the_user an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

The incredible thing is the husband came in for bashing not plausibly based on his actions in the video but based on mutating narrative.

Go from "X great, Y OK" to "X great, Y terrible".

▲lukehandcool 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Everyone loves to hate right away when they see something like this. It's a good practice to try to make up a story that gives an alternate, less vilifying explanation to what you're seeing. This is a great response from Erika. Thanks for sharing.

▲throw93038383 an hour ago | parent [-]

Not really, the same people will have endless empathy for cold blooded killer, who murdered her three children!

It is just good old misandry!

▲dagorenouf an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

It’s making me sad that this article needed to exist in the first place. Just leave people alone.

▲olelele 7 minutes ago | parent | prev | next [-]

All other things aside, 20 dollars for a can of beer!?

▲satvikpendem an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Quite a common thing to see online where strangers judge relationships off some small slice. You see it on reddit and relationship subs all the time.

▲expedition32 an hour ago | parent [-]

The internet feels like one those shitty religious villages were everyone is gossiping.

▲Insanity 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

You never know what others are going through, or what is happening in a relationship between two people, even when you think you’re close to them. So the online masses making these judgements based on a short clip is kinda insane although it doesn’t surprise me.

▲hmokiguess 35 minutes ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Part of being grounded and self aware is realizing you are not your thoughts and not everything you believe is true.

The brain does what it does in an attempt to help you, but not often it hits the mark, sometimes it takes a bit of a reminder to pause and unpack things more carefully.

▲Rzor 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

David Foster Wallace's This is Water speech more relevant than ever.

▲Wistar an hour ago | parent [-]

Link to transcript and audio of the This Is Water commencement speech:

https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/

▲karpovv-boris an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Why someone even should explain yourself in this situation? It shows that something is broken in the society.

▲vjvjvjvjghv 34 minutes ago | parent | prev | next [-]

The real scandal is the prices on the menu she posted.

▲abnry an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

That man has found a treasure of a woman!

▲nadermx 18 minutes ago | parent [-]

This is the main takeaway from all this.

▲brandonmenc an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

And yet, tons of comments on Threads from women saying she's been gaslit or even that the husband must have threatened her with violence and forced her to write this.

You can't win with these people.

▲vlyan 18 minutes ago | parent [-]

normal people -- employed, in a relationship, with chores and hobbies to occupy their free time -- simply do not participate in the gender war on the Internet. most are blissfully unaware that it's even happening. the womanosphere is a mirror image of its critically panned counterpart -- a refuge for the unhappy and/or mentally ill, an obnoxiously loud minority.

▲criddell 2 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

She’s a great writer.

A lot of people owe this family an apology. Here’s a sampling of some of the vile comments left on Reddit.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fauxmoi/comments/1wpll52/clip_of_a_...

▲mahboi an hour ago | parent | next [-]

Some of them would read this and still complain. There's no use in trying to please some very unhappy and likely single people online.

▲poly2it an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Wow, Reddit is horrible. Atrocious behavior. Leave your brains in the anteroom!

> Whoever sees this and it reminds them of their current relationship, DUMP HIM

> you can tell by the body language, lack of initiative, and lack of joy and welcome-ness for his woman and baby to be back, everything you need to know.

> There is a VERY good chance that when he realizes he went viral for being the *Poster Manchild* of taking your spouse for granted, of choosing to act like a parasitic blob

Modern Reddit provides a simulacrum of commentary. There are posts and people discusing these posts, but nobody understands or wants to know anything about the underlying topic. The lack of comprehension is crucial to the community.

▲shakow 16 minutes ago | parent [-]

> and lack of joy and welcome-ness for his woman and baby to be back

Damn, do these people really jump out of joy whenever their SO, parent, child, friend, or whoever comes back after a 10' chore?

Life is not a movie, “coming back” is a dozen-times-of-day occurrence, no one will cheer you back from the toilets.

▲Tiberium an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

If "she" refers to the LLM used by the author, sure. (The article is clearly mostly LLM-written/assisted)

▲jryle70 15 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

In a way, this comment precisely demonstrates the kind of vitriol responses that the article talks about -- witch hunt without evidence, going with the trend, herd mentality.

▲macintux an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Isn't this story pretty much all about jumping to conclusions and pissing on people who you don't know?

▲coherentpony an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

I read it and didn’t get that impression.

Perhaps you could endow your claim with some evidence.

▲grvdrm an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Amused by a claim about writing composition that uses “clearly mostly” back to back.

▲Planktonne an hour ago | parent [-]

That's a legitimate usage of both words.

▲Wistar an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Hmm. Pangram AI detection says the piece is “100% human written.”

▲randallsquared 6 minutes ago | parent [-]

Really? A comment in another thread says Pangram says it's 100% AI. I just checked with the free plan, and it told me 29% AI. What I'm learning here is that Pangram may not be a reliable checker.

Thing is, I also twigged it as heavily LLM written when I read it, so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

▲godwinson__4-8 an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Based on what?

▲mindslight an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

Even if so, this would seem to be a positive use of LLMs. Something traumatic happened, and she wants to put her perspective into the public dialog rather than continuing to be a passive subject of the social media industry's two minute hate. I know in such a position I myself would be at a loss for words, with the perfect being the enemy of the good enough.

▲_3u10 an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

It’s great to see her setting a role model for others.

▲hliyan an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Another important story hiding in there:

> Six weeks before my daughter was born, my employer of 13 years laid off my entire division. Ramses had just put up the down payment on a bigger home for our growing family. My unemployment meant he was facing the mortgage payments and managing a remodel on his own, while we prepared to welcome another child.

▲throw93038383 an hour ago | parent [-]

That women could take over remodeling!

▲bad_haircut72 an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Another side to the story is that I wonder how many of the reddit/tiktok posts pouring gasoline on the discourse were LLMs.

▲shermantanktop an hour ago | parent [-]

If only we truly knew how much divisive online content was generated from geopolitical adversaries…LLM or not.

▲andrepd an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

Algorithmic social media amplifies and promotes our basest, vilest impulses. Crowds were always worse than people, but now these "technologies" put that into turbo-overdrive, 5 billion people at a time, pushed and prodded by the engagement-maxxing machine. I don't see a bright future if we don't get a hand on this, and I don't see us getting a hand on this.

▲mahboi an hour ago | parent [-]

Hopefully AI slop kills it