Some kids are just really wild by temperament and it shows up in their first year or two on the Earth.

Short of breaking their spirit there's not much the parents can do to make them less wild. Parents have to try to find a way to let the kid be wild and feel good about being a temperamentally wild kid while also recognizing that there are limits and boundaries. A similar experience is perhaps owning a dog that needs to run around outside every day.

But nothing in the autism or ADHD diagnoses says you can't learn social skills or that they shouldn't. Nor does it require anyone to endure abuse or physical attacks.

Assuming you're not the parent (since you say the more generic "family member"), probably the best thing you can do is try to befriend this kid and learn a bit about what's like to be them. And try to find traits in yourself that help you see why they act one way or another.

Another thing to keep in mind is that things you take for granted may be very distressing to this person. They may be able to hear noises or smell smells or taste flavors that you can't. The parents have a tough job because nobody wants their kid's preferences to dictate everything, but nobody wants to knowingly make their kid distressed when they can help it. That becomes a tough tradeoff when you have someone who is easily distressed by a world that isn't really designed with their brains in mind. This is where things like earplugs and sunglasses can help. It's a bit like being hungover all the time. If you reduce the sensory input everyone becomes less irritable and more even keel.

Having had personal experience with this problem, there is actually a simple but difficult solution to your problem:

Focus in the effect if the person's action on you, and set hard boundaries for yourself.

Note that boundaries are in this specific form:

"If you do X in Y situation, I will do Z"

The consequence to the instigating person (the Z part) is important. The person you described likely has a deficit in empathy, so feedback on actions has to happen to modify behavior.

Note that I'm not saying to hit back. Consequences are generally best when withdrawing something of value than adding something of negative value.

For example: "If we're watching a movie and you are physically rowdy, you will have to leave the living room and entertain yourself in your room".

Focua on how things affect you, and what actions you can take in response to boundary breaking behavior. Then be ruthlessly firm and consistent about it.

That's more like social anxiety.

I mean, the thing about autism is that your 'natural behaviours and feelings' can be things that others find deeply offputting, like hand-flapping or other strange repetitive movements or sounds, anxious skin-picking, avoiding eye contact etc. But not doing those things requires conscious effort, because they're natural to you.

So it's kind of like going through social interactions with an itch that you're constantly aware of but can't scratch. Or perhaps for a neurotypical person, imagine that you're instead not allowed to make any facial expressions or change in your tone of voice and you have to constantly monitor yourself to make sure you're not doing what is, to you, a normal and unconscious reaction. Of course everyone has to modulate their tone of voice and expression to some degree, but with autistics the gap between how they'd behave 'naturally' and 'what is considered socially acceptable' can be a much bigger one to bridge.

An analogy I’ve heard that I like is that the difference is akin to the difference between the “act” you put on for work, and the “act” you would put on for a high stakes job interview. Both are “just” normal proper business behavior but one is much more exhausting and if you had to do that later every day, all day, that would be a huge drain on you.

It’s a bit different though. If you have autism you might not even want to wish your friend or family member happy birthday. Whereas for neurotypical I think they would normally enjoy doing that.

Or you might not want to say hello or goodbye in the normal situations they are used. Or small talk. These are all things many neurotypical enjoy.

Yes.

I wouldn't even say its less effort. Its a whole different kind of effort. A social neurotypical person willingly engages in interactions and "masks". A person on the spectrum only engages because they have to.

While I understand your point, the air has a very good battery life and beats the 16 and 16 pro.

If you recharge at night, that's a lot of socializing.

_Thank_ you. I'm seeing a LOT of people in this thread who do not understand autism at _all_ and yet claim it's really not much different than neurotypical people's experience.

"Why should x situation be like y difficulty? I don't understand."

"No, you _don't_ understand, because you're not autistic. Which isn't really an insult but it is the case. So why you gotta brush off our struggles like you do get it."

Being autistic is exhausting on a _whole different level_. It is NOT comparable to neurotypicals' experiences except superficially.

For anyone who feels this way about the grocery store, I'd highly recommend curbside pickup or online ordering. Some stores are getting rid of it, but plenty still offer it. If you live in a large enough city, grocery delivery can also pretty competitive in pricing if you're willing to negotiate on brands.

You can fix bright and loud.

Shouldn't a list be a positive here?

What's bad about "packing bags and paying", with "paying" being separate from human interaction? I'm genuinely curious.

You just described my shopping experiences.

Interesting observation in the last bit, research indicates links between PTSD and symptons often associated with autism: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/ptsd-and-autism/. That said, PTSD is treatable to a point, if you can verbalise what situations or what experiences cause your ptsd type stuff, treatments like EMDR may help for you.

I'm not sure I disagree that anxiety isn't rational. Anxiety about certain topics may be less rational, but being too anxious to sleep alone in the dark in the jungle likely has some evolutionary benefits. Similar with the anxiety at seeing large predatory animals or the lack of food leading into winter. It becomes a dysfunction when the anxiety is caused by everyday innocuous things to the general public.

Someone above this said the boxes in a grocery store are "shouting" at them with their bright colors. I know autism has varying levels but like, I sincerely worry about their ability to live if looking a box is causing a truly remarkable level of distress.

> hyper focus on a very complex cognitive task or dedicate hours of "boring" repetitive practice in a physical activity

That's awesome, take that win for sure that it's easier for them to do that and if one would rather go farm than take place in society then I think that's a fantastic goal to work toward.

That is an excellent point. As an autistic person I would happily kill and clean chickens every meal . If it meant not feeling like a panic attack every trip to the store .