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▲ the__alchemist 19 hours ago

I'm 40 and am accepting I will be single forever. I'm in shape / constantly lifting weights, dress well, work hard on maintaining a good attitude, and am financially stable etc. But not a great face, and extremely skinny (Think Oppenheimer or Bin Laden), am not funny or charismatic, and am not into dogs. Dating is a kick in the butt. Women don't "Feel the spark"

▲wewewedxfgdf 19 hours ago | parent | next [-]

>> Dating is a kick in the butt

DON'T DO ONLINE DATING. Online dating has wrecked mating except for the most attractive 5%. Online dating is mostly a looks competition as first step. And you are saying you don't have the looks to win that game, so you need to play a different type of mating game.

Go to meetups instead via meetup.com and also look for local group activities happening on EventBrite - don't make finding a partner the focus or even the objective - go to a ton of meetups doing the things you love doing.

People form relationships doing common interests and having shared experiences. Have shared experiences with people and take finding a partner off the agenda - just enjoy the company of others. You never know what might happen but don't go looking for it.

I can tell you this for sure - many women are looking for a partner of character - someone kind who actually wishes to engage in relationship - a genuine person - and if time is taken to form relationship well in advance of the "will you be my girlfriend" pressure, then how you look is very often just not an issue. Have you noticed how when you get to know someone you see their character as much as their outward appearance? You might need to let people learn who you are gently and over time.

As for being charismatic or funny, as Oscar Wilde said: Be yourself - everyone else is taken.

▲swat535 15 hours ago | parent | next [-]

This is excellent advice.

The best thing you do is to just grow your network until you find someone you like.

Whenever I go out, I always collect phone numbers and contacts if I can.

Before you know it, you have 100s of people on your phone. Befriending women is also excellent, they can introduce you to other women if they feel like you are worthy!

▲Brybry 15 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

I have a number of family and friends who met online through video games or through online matchmaking websites (and one even through a dating app, starts with an H).

Successful, long term, loving and happy relationships. Not top 5% most attractive people. Mostly nerds, some overweight, some not.

▲erelong 19 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

A helpful thought for me was that literally everyone could reject you, except one person, and that's all you need is just that one person. Also along with that principle, maybe 99% of people actually aren't a good match for me, so if I mostly don't "click" with other people, that's totally fine — I don't know if I would want to be with 99% of possible people myself even if they were interested in me. It's just about finding the right kind of person that's similar to you. People with unique attributes may find someone else with the same unique attributes, or the other person may possess unique attributes that might somehow be a good fit for your unique attributes.

▲SoftTalker 19 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Just do other things you like and don't worry about women. Relationships bring heartache and grief a good percentatge of the time anyway. Being engaged in things you like doing will bring you into contact with others and friendships or more may develop. But don't do them with that expectation.

If you don't know what to do, try to get involved with helping others in some way. It can be rewarding and give you a broader perspective on life.

▲skulk 2 hours ago | parent | next [-]

> Just do other things you like and don't worry about women.

Just want to pile on here and say that this is absolutely crucial, both for your chances of eventually finding someone and if not that, for your own sanity.

1. if you go into activities with the ulterior motive of meeting someone, you're not going to be satisfied by the activity itself which will cause resentment.

2. people can sense when your heart isn't really into what you're doing, and this will defeat your purpose entirely causing #1

You really have to accept that you may never find someone to properly get into this mindset though, and that's really hard. But it's a choice and I'm convinced that it's the correct one.

▲srid 17 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

> Just do other things you like and don't worry about women. Relationships bring heartache and grief a good percentatge of the time anyway. Being engaged in things you like doing will bring you into contact with others and friendships or more may develop. But don't do them with that expectation.

I can confirm that this is how I am generally happy in life as a single. Underrated advice.

▲littlexsparkee 19 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

I heard that before when I just started dating. I would say don't worry about the outcome (especially pertaining to one person - you know close to nothing about them early on anyway), just try to connect with people. In my case, it would've helped calm my nerves, which were a hindrance. I've been with my partner for 8 years. A given outcome is never preordained and you don't need everyone to like you, just the one that you click with if you don't let rejection discourage you.

▲monknomo 19 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

being funny and charismatic are something it is possible to practice, same as lifting weights. From what you say, sounds like a high leverage thing to look into

▲zrn900 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

> (Think Oppenheimer or Bin Laden)

Lol you went from 0 to 100% really quickly there.

▲the__alchemist 2 hours ago | parent [-]

Hah yea odd examples, but they're the only two people I can think of who have my build. (I'm between them on height and total pounds, but that is the level of extreme skinny)

▲zrn900 2 hours ago | parent [-]

Nah man there are many people like those in Southern Europe and Western Asia. A lot of them are married. For good or bad.

▲bradlys 15 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

How are you extremely skinny? Do you have a digestive issue or something?

I struggled with weight gain for many years due to crippling IBS but I found some relief while bulking from a certain probiotic. (Got lucky - dozens of things I tried including fodmap, etc. never worked. That said, the probiotic only helps - not solves... and doesn't solve my absorption issues)

Surgery, steroids, and a serious bulk are in order if you're serious.

▲the__alchemist 15 hours ago | parent | next [-]

Great question! No medically diagosed/diagnosable condition for better or for worse; someone's got to represent the 3σ end of the normal distribution right?

I can make the pounds go up or down in a few weeks by eating more or less, but it goes mostly to the gut (Skinny fat = probably the worst look), and just enough to pad the arm muscles so it looks like I've never been to the gym in my life! Lately have just been embracing it and staying lean (Looks like 12% maybe?) while working out as much as I can stand.

I was about to do the steroids... (low dose test) I suspect that would genuinely fix it. But when I got the blood test back, test was smack in the middle of the normal range! So would have to shop around a bit, and trying not to lose my hair. But may still do it. A bulk counter-intuitively is not the move because it would just put me back in skinny-fat land.

▲regexorcist 10 hours ago | parent | next [-]

> but it goes mostly to the gut

This is so weird to me if you're always working out as you said. What are you doing at the gym? Compound barbell movements with heavy weights will absolutely prevent this and get you jacked in the right places.

▲the__alchemist 4 hours ago | parent | next [-]

  - Dumbell and smith machine squats
  - 10-30 degree incline bench
  - Dumbell lunges
  - Overhead press with dumbells
  - Planks
  - Situps: Straight, bent, and normal legs
  - Dead hangs
  - Pullups with 3 grips
  - Leg lifts while hanging
  - Lat raises, forward and bent over
  - Behind-the-back cable extensions
  - Tricip cable pulldowns
  - SKull crushers
  - Dumbell curls, one hand at a time

Each every 1-3 days
▲regexorcist 2 hours ago | parent | next [-]

That is way too much, of the wrong type. You're doing a lot of isolation work, but really you should be focusing on compound lifts with the barbell. Check out Stronglifts 5x5 for example.

▲the__alchemist an hour ago | parent [-]

Valid. Part of the problem is, I'm working with what I have in the apartment and apartment gym; the best workout is the one you can do on the way to the bathroom / between desk chair and washing the dishes / continuously throughout the day whenever you have a moment, or after work with no hassle? But it's a tradeoff, as you imply. The other aspect is, I've been training with appearance (especially to women) in mind as that's the goal, e.g. with extra attention to lats, upper chest, and delts. Would love to/should do more compound lift. (Don't have a full bar available atm)

▲regexorcist an hour ago | parent | next [-]

> the best workout is the one you can do on the way to the bathroom

Absolutely not. This is what you tell sedentary people to get them to move a bit. For your purpose of looking good, you're wasting your time. You need to add weight every workout.

> I've been training with appearance (especially to women) in mind

That is the wrong mindset, but then again what I told you earlier will give you the appearance you seek. Seriously just go to a proper gym with a barbell.

▲tuesdaynight an hour ago | parent | prev [-]

Regexorcist is right. You need to increase weight every week. Try going to the gym religiously for 1 year, with proper progressive overload. I'm not saying that you will be big, but if all you have done is the listed exercises at home, without progressive overload, you didn't really try

▲fatata123 3 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

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▲bradlys 9 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

It's not guaranteed. People are abnormal. I'm abnormal and don't gain muscle like others and I am constantly training to failure.

Gaining muscle becomes really complicated for some people since not everyone has the same hormones, androgen receptor density, myostatin levels, etc. Some people grow like freaks and others never do. I can sympathize but I am skeptical of 99% of people since most I've seen also don't do every thing right and it's clear that's usually the issue.

▲loftyal 8 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Have you actually done a proper bulk/cut cycle? Gaining fat is normal when bulking, then you cut (lose the fat while maintaining the muscle).

▲the__alchemist 4 hours ago | parent [-]

Valid - no, and I should probably do that. You're right that it's worth trying, and I haven't done it. The short-term skinny fat / gut+love handles is obviously a non-factor if part of a bulk where I could remove it later.

▲bradlys 9 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

You can avoid the downsides by being very informed. Sounds like you're still early in the journey.

I sympathize with being 3 sigma on the distribution... I'm four sigma out myself. My total T is around 1200ng/dl with most everything in my bloodwork related to hormones being a genetic freak. And, yes, I'm natural. Even with my extremely high T - probably twice yours - I struggle to gain any muscle at all and look like I've never lifted a weight in my life.

I'm still doing steroids next year because I'm tired of not seeing results for my insane effort.

If you're just growing in the stomach then you're doing something wrong. Check macros - should be overly high protein. Eat only 500 calories surplus per day. Your stomach will get larger just from food volume. Your stomach will always be large if you're on a bulk - it's supposed to be full all the time.

After you gain 20lb over about 20 weeks - reasses. As it is - it sounds like you haven't done really serious tracking. When I'm bulking/cutting - I don't eat anything unless every ingredient goes on a scale and I track everything down to the gram. One way to make less lifestyle less painful is to do meal prep and label all your meal tins with the macros. (Or just be obnoxious and measure everything out where each tin is the exact same - harder to do)

Get a dexascan a couple weeks into your bulk then a couple months in. You'll be able to tell if you're only gaining fat or if you're gaining lean body mass. Same process with cutting. Your eyes might not be well trained.

▲the__alchemist 2 hours ago | parent [-]

That is a fantastic insight, and a wild natural T level, especially with the low muscle gain! (As you inferred I measured at 650ng/dL with sample size 1; not sure how it flows with time; didn't get a free-test measurement, but should do that; kind of curious how that plays into your situation too) I was expecting to measure low based on the muscle thing + generally low-superficial-T features like minimal facial hair, and low body hair/thin eyebrows, then would have gone straight to it, but... I paused to reconsider after the measurement.

Doctors don't take stuff like this seriously (Varies wildly, but I have a number of family/friends who are doctors, and was in a military field under flight doc supervision/physicals for most of my career). I imagine it's not on their list of medically significant conditions as it's a superficial one. They deal with things that cause immediate or future health problems (or med disqualification for the job), or effect quality-of-life directly. Being extremely skinny (High or normal test for us respectively!) doesn't register as it's superficial/aesthetic. I wonder if your hormone-related identification would be more actionable as you have that number? While 6'2 / 130lbs (Not sure your example) is extremely rare, without any direct consequences on health, it doesn't register. Nothing to fail me on a physical for, no treatment plans that fit, and doesn't pattern match with people checking into hospital.

I think re growing the stomach - I meant more that responds very quickly to changes in diet in either direction; I can go from pudgy/belly to flat abs in a few weeks. I'm hoping the ab work will help a bit with overall look in well-fitting clothes or shirtless, and help with rib flare, but it's probably skippable compared to the bigger lifts.

For the macros, you're right: I have not being doing any tracking. I have been (For the past 6 months when I did a big shift) eating slowly, and paying attention to hunger/satiation signals. No longer finishing a meal just because it tastes good, if I'm no longer hungry. I have cut out all carbs-sans-fiber. No sugary foods (other than fruit, dark chocolate etc), no refined grains unless eating out. Lots of veggies, meat, eggs, and fruit + whey shakes. So, high protein, high fiber, normalish carbs and fat. As you say, probably need to load on the protein more. (More meat/whey/eggs/peanut butter?) How has the tracking worked out for you; any insights? I'm curious about the effort involved, and accuracy of any numbers put in.

I should do the dex! I'm curious; just looked up; $130 near me; will do it! The 12% estimate was based on visual cues like bicep vein, muscle definition, appearance of facial bones/masceters etc. If I eat lazily, it goes up to probably 18-20%; then I look like I have never seen a gym. Would love to see the actual number.

What is stopping you from doing the steroids now? Test or a mix? Worried about the hairline / body hair or negative face shape changes? I am giving this one final push, then will probably hop in in 1-2 years if this still isn't working. My lifts have stayed the same or gone slightly up while I've been getting lean. The lean thing for is a realization that I am accepting the build, and don't want to hide the muscles I have. I love the way I look without a shirt or in tight-fitting clothes now, but still have an extreme BMI.

Btw, that last point seems to be also one of those counter-intuitive things: For the ultra-skinny (Or maybe more acurrately for anyone who's lean, but has some muscles), looking good without a shirt or in form-fitting clothes is a completely different beast from not. Can go from "Looks fit" to "Doesn't know what a gym" is from a change of clothes alone!

▲ShinyLeftPad 11 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

What surgery? How did you find the probiotic?

▲bradlys 9 hours ago | parent [-]

No idea. Just kept trying shit from random reddits. One recommended something with a certain strain. The digestive advantage 4 in 1 seemed to help for a while. It has BC30, GBI30, 6086. I can't remember which was less common in probiotics but one of those apparently was the one that would help me.

I didn't even think that these things had "different strains" - I thought they were just random junk mail spam they'd throw in your gut but I guess some are concentrated with different bacteria that can help me. Honestly I should get back on it because I've been suffering greatly lately.

▲ShinyLeftPad 8 hours ago | parent [-]

Interesting. I can never gain proper mass and lately i feel like i might have IBS too...

▲anal_reactor 16 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

I am funny and at least somewhat charismatic but I'm gay and gay dating is simply broken. Both online and physical places focus on quick, cheap, sexual encounters. Meeting dudes outside of gay spaces results in max 5% chance that dude is also gay, which is a pathetic thing to be working with. I'm really not convinced that this life is worth living.

The most terrifying realization is that I've already spent pretty much half of my life yearning for love and not getting it. Even if I magically get married soon, it'll feel like a consolation prize.

▲the__alchemist 14 hours ago | parent [-]

That is a great anecdote/perspective to hear, although depressing. My working model was that gay dating is completely different from straight dating; the dynamics which I lament don't apply, but... different from a bad scenario doesn't mean a good one, which I think is going on!

▲Markoff 9 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Just visit/move to Philippines/China or (South) East Asia in general, if you are 40 (and white) you will have absolutely zero problems to find someone who will make you happy, though I would be realistic about age difference, which will either make you walking ATM or real partner.

▲znpy 8 hours ago | parent | next [-]

Unironically, i have experienced this unwillingly.

I am a westerner and recently traveled to some science conference and casually met this Indian girl (living in India, she travelled to the conference as well), about 24 years old and we clicked immediately. We ended up talking a lot and we had vastly more aligned life goals (having kids, starting a family etc) than i have with my average western female co-workers or women i meet outside work.

Unironically I’m starting to believe i might have to move east if i want to start a family.

▲akimbostrawman 7 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

>either make you walking ATM or real partner

I don't see how that is any different from the west except you get better bang for your bucks.

▲Markoff 6 hours ago | parent [-]

in the west you have better odds the woman has similar or even higher living standard and income than you, so there is lower chance you will become walking ATM regardless of age difference (though obviously with 20 years younger woman it is very likely it will happen even in the west)

▲akimbostrawman 2 hours ago | parent [-]

That might be true but outside of the west it's a lot harder to financially ruin you with a divorce not to mention it is less socially accepted.

▲fatata123 3 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

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