| I found this 10+ years ago, and it was one of the most important things I ever read. As a consummate Guesser, it reframed my perspective completely. I started to be much happier and understanding with Askers. I also realized how frustrating, as a Guesser, I could be to Askers, and shifted more toward being clear about what I want or need. |
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| ▲ | arcfour 18 hours ago | parent | next [-] | | It's a shame more people don't assume good faith so we can have more direct and honest communication with each other. | | |
| ▲ | cvoss 17 hours ago | parent [-] | | Guessers don't believe Askers are asking in bad faith at all. If Guessers did believe that, it would be way easier for them to say no to Askers. It's precisely because the Guesser believes in the sincerity of the request that it becomes painful to deny it. | | |
| ▲ | TeMPOraL 16 hours ago | parent [-] | | Indeed. It's the immediate assumption that since you're asking me, it must be important to you - otherwise you wouldn't be asking in the first place. I want to be the kind of person that helps others where it matters, and here you are, asking, thus proving it matters. Refusing becomes really uncomfortable, so I'd rather go out of my way to make it possible for me to agree, or failing that, to help your underlying need as much as I can. I realize now this is a form of typical mind fallacy - I wouldn't ask you for something if it wasn't really fucking important or I had any other option available, therefore I naturally assume that your act of asking already proves the request is very important to you. I guess I just learned I'm a Guesser :). | | |
| ▲ | ozgung 3 hours ago | parent [-] | | That's the really painful part. They ask you for something, you say 'yes' thinking it's important for the person, only to learn that it wasn't that important at all. It's like giving something that you don't want to give to someone that doesn't need it. Really annoying. |
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| ▲ | xyzal 8 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-] | | A uni pal with the samey attitude had a wonderful motto - "better to look stupid than to be stupid". | |
| ▲ | jasondigitized 11 hours ago | parent | prev [-] | | Except a lot af askers will put you in an uncomfortable spot. No I don't want you and your family staying at my house while you are in town. | | |
| ▲ | conductr an hour ago | parent | next [-] | | Default No is fine, just go with it. That’s a huge ask. It was a 2 week stay, that’s a hell no unless you’re my nuclear family then maybe we can discuss it. Even then, there’s some family I don’t want as overnight guests and I usually put up in a nearby hotel when they visit. No reason to feel guilty saying no when the ask is that large. I feel bad sometimes saying no to small things. Because it’s trivial on the surface and I don’t have a good reason for saying no except I just don’t want to do it. In any case, I like treating no as my default answer to everything then I have to be convinced to say yes (even if it’s a quick internal negotiation with myself). If you’re consistent, the most abusive askers learn not to ask. The ones that ask with expectations of a yes, the ones that try to make you feel bad for saying no, those people go away. And that’s my ideal position, I’m only being asked for reasonable things so actually end up saying yes more often than I say no. | |
| ▲ | elgenie 9 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-] | | Discomfort is present only if you suspect they're a Guesser and thus one of you has greatly misjudged the relationship and social context. If you know or suspect they're an Asker the discomfort disappears because you say "No" and they say "OK, cool". | | |
| ▲ | lloydjones 6 hours ago | parent [-] | | I think guessers agonise over HOW to say "No" in contexts like this, and what it says about them as people. "Can my family and I stay for two weeks?". Then: "No." (looks cold and heartless; do I want to project cold and heartless? Will they hate me?). "I'm so sorry but I'm not able to. The house is a mess and it's really small" (performative, hand-wringing reluctance; we both know I'm lying). "I just don't like to share my environment" (most truthful; might look petty to those who don't understand the need for privacy to that degree). | | |
| ▲ | lloydjones 6 hours ago | parent | next [-] | | Having said that, I have become a lot better at being direct these past few years, so I'd likely just say "I'm not able to, sorry. I can recommend some good hotels though". | |
| ▲ | j1elo 5 hours ago | parent | prev [-] | | All this rings true, which brings me to this question: are Guessers just a bunch of Overthinkers? |
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| ▲ | nkrisc 5 hours ago | parent | prev [-] | | Then just say, “No, that won’t work out for us.” Done. |
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| I have been searching for this! Thank you for reposting this, OP. I have been (w)racking my brain trying to find this article and used HN search dozens of times. I couldn't remember what the title was, or the specific terms "ask" and "guess", so it was impossible to find. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37182058 This is one of the chief cultural differences between Southern and Northern culture. Southerners (not transplants) will "ask" without imposition: they "ask" when giving, and "guess" when receiving. Any inversion of these norms is an affront to "Southern hospitality" and will be met with the equivalent "Bless Your Heart". Ask what you can do for someone, never what you can have. Assume someone will do right by you (you should never have to ask), and if they don't - people say not so nice things about those folks. I need to articulate this better when it's not 4 AM, but it's an almost perfect descriptor of the cultural differences. |
