I say this with respect and love to the author: it does not sound like you’re handling this just fine. I think you’re right that there’s no way to handle this just fine, and you’re right that you’ve got a very good reason for not being just fine, and it’s in fact very normal and expected for you to not be handling this just fine, but it is also the case that you’re not handling this just fine.

I think we tend to react to being told there’s a diagnosis name for the thing we’re currently doing, but there are situations in which it is both absolutely normal, understandable, and expected that we behave in a way with the hallmarks of a particular pathology and also we are still behaving in that way and could probably use some support.

(On a more bureaucratic note, the other reason to have an actual DSM-recognized diagnosis is because the ghouls running insurance companies won’t cover counseling without it. Giving your therapist a DSM approved name to apply to your deep, life-impacting, and completely understandable grief means they have a better shot at convincing the claims department you actually do need help right now.)

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spyckie2 5 days ago | parent | next [-]

Not to take away from the article, in the comments she states that her world is filled with the joy of new things with her new baby. She is doing as well as one can be for how much she loved Jake and how much she misses him.

The author is extremely talented at isolating certain feelings and making you feel them with her. I wouldn't use this article as a diagnosis of anything but her writing talent.

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roughly 5 days ago | parent [-]

> She is doing as well as one can be for how much she loved Jake and how much she misses him.

Again, my point is that that statement is absolutely true and also does not preclude the notion that additional professional help may be warranted.

I went on Prozac earlier this year after a conversation with my doctor that went, roughly: “I think you’ve got anxiety” “well yeah, look at the fucking world!” “…right.” Just because there’s a good reason for what you’re going through doesn’t mean you’re not going through it.

Put another way, if the author had been shot a year ago and was saying things like “most days I’m fine, but some days I literally cannot walk or feel my left arm,” the notion that they should be talking to professionals would not be controversial, even though their symptoms are absolutely utterly explicable given what they’ve been through.

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munificent 5 days ago | parent | next [-]

Consider that the author may elect to this suffering as a testament to her love for her partner and as a way to memorialize what he meant to her.

If your partner died and the very next day a doctor said, "Here's a pill that will make you forget you were ever together and erase 100% of the pain. You'll feel amazing." Would you take it?

	▲	roughly 4 days ago \| parent [-]
		I would very much like for the author to be able to memorialize her partner in a way that she feels offers a testimonial to someone who was such a big part of her life. If she's able to do that right now, that's fantastic (and this post is certainly a well-rendered testimonial). The point of getting additional help (and, again, as stated above, I mean therapy, not necessarily drugs) is to ensure she can do that - to provide the support, structures, framework, and understanding that she can make those choices consciously and in a way that allows her to feel as though she's honoring his memory in the best way she can.

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spyckie2 5 days ago | parent | prev [-]

Usually I would agree with your points, especially that wounds on the soul should be treated like wounds on the body - objectively, and with the best practice medical support for proper healing to minimize adverse effects.

But as she so eloquently puts it, the grief is not just a wound, its a lifestyle change. Its the repetition of existing expectations and systems that have to be retrained and rewired.

Professional help can help numb feelings but when it comes to retraining your entire life, as she also implies, professional help is only medically necessary if you are completely debilitated and unable to do the retraining yourself.

Professional help is only as helpful as it can do it better than she can. And I think because it involves lots of instances of processing her own feelings, that kind of help is difficult to provide medically.

Support groups I can understand helping her situation though.

	▲	roughly 4 days ago \| parent [-]
		To be clear, I'm not advocating for chemical intervention - I think a competent therapist/grief counselor can help process and metabolize the change. I also am not suggesting that the ideal goal is that the author feels no grief, rather that she is able to move in a productive and healing direction, as opposed to feeling like she's being battered beyond her control.

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y-curious 5 days ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Yeah, her being confused for an extended amount of time when a friend sits down at the coffee shop instead of her husband is definitely problematic. I think it's weird to write an article attempting to ridicule the DSM in this case.

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paddleon 5 days ago | parent | prev [-]

the reason to NOT have a DSM-recognized diagnosis on your medical record is it can be used to disqualify you for things later in life.

And we cannot predict all of these future changes, either in our interests and/or the law.

"We don't want pilots with depression or anxiety, because duh obvious reasons" and there goes a career option for you. (something very like this happened to my cousin)

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hansvm 5 days ago | parent [-]

That's an interesting example. On the one hand, we really don't want actively suicidal pilots. On the other, are the current guidelines too stringent? I can't imagine you're saying that actively suicidal pilots should be allowed to fly hundreds of people, so the argument seems to be more that private corporations have too much information and too much power and are willing to blacklist qualified candidates just to reduce examination costs.

That seems more like an argument against corporate overreach than anything else.

	▲	afthonos 4 days ago \| parent \| next [-]
		The problem is that the policy incentivizes pilots who develop problems to hide them. So pilots who should take time off to work through problems are instead flying planes, because the alternative is losing their career.
	▲	roughly 4 days ago \| parent \| prev \| next [-]
		> we really don't want actively suicidal pilots We do not, and so providing pilots with the ability to seek help and support seems like what we'd want to do. The degree to which mental health has been pathologized is unhealthy for those in need and for society at large.
	▲	absurddoctor 4 days ago \| parent \| prev [-]
		The pilot restrictions definitely need a revamp. Any diagnosis or medication can greatly restrict you for a long time after, incentivizing avoiding treatment completely.