This super-resonates, especially the bit about our actions being a reflection (and being limited by) how we see ourselves and the world in it, the very basic understanding of reality.

For example - I gained a bunch of pounds since my 3rd kid was born - I am busy at work, I try to help my wife as much as I can, the other kids leave no space to work out, whatever. All very realistic and reasonable. And yet I have a neighbor who just had their 3rd kid, he's got a similar caliber job, and I see him running every day. We both "value" being fit, we both understand the connection between exercise and health, we face a similar "objective" reality and yet this is an example where clearly he somehow understands it and himself in it, differently than I do. So for example - consistent with the article - my neighbor probably sees himself as "someone who exercises" and moves the other things around in his life to make it happen. I see myself as someone "who'd like to exercise" - a weaker level of identity that means I don't reshape my reality to make it happen.

Or here's another example - the average religious Jewish couple living in Brooklyn has an average 6.6 kids. A secular couple living in the same zip code is statistically likely to have just about 0 kids. And while there're indeed a million reasons why having kids is very hard today, the religious couple goes into it knowing "we're future parents" and make it happen, the secular couple goes into it "we see the problems facing us" and doesn't make it happen. Same to my exercise example, your interpretation of reality and your role in it, has outsize impact over what externally might seem like identical objective reality.

I am not sure if I believe in objective reality or not. If I do, then people who succeed (eg my fit neighbor, the religious parents) prove what the actual reality is, or whether we each live in our own subjective realities where X is possible for someone as part and parcel of how they are but not for someone else. And when you reframe your reality fully (what religion calls repentance) then you actually do alter it.

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drivebyhooting 2 days ago | parent | next [-]

You don’t know your neighbor’s circumstances. Maybe he biologically doesn’t need as much sleep. Or maybe his wife does a lot more child care. Or maybe he is okay with the children watching iPad while he exercises.

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xyzelement 2 days ago | parent | next [-]

(I am the person you are responding to so I can be uncharitable towards myself)

All the things you said are an excuse. All that happens if I believe the excuses is that I will be fatter and fatter, no thanks.

I 100% know that I "could" run every day if I got my shit together, if I was really dying to do it, and if it was part of my identity. The fact that it's not part of my identity is the whole problem.

Say it another way - if my neighbor and I switched families and bodies, he'd still run - in my situation - while I'd still succumb to the excuses - in his situation.

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kaffekaka 2 days ago | parent | prev [-]

You have a good point, and I do agree.

But at the same time I have been both a person exercising every day and a person not understanding how to find the time for exercise (even after having been the exercising person!). It is remarkable how much our identity can be shaped by contingent circumstances or beliefs.

So how to know if one is someone who needs alot of sleep, or someone who just believes there is no time? I actually don't know.

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xyzelement 2 days ago | parent [-]

Identity shapes our commitment. For example, when I was a single guy living in NYC, I'd do sometimes 2 hours of yoga every day because the studio was on my walk home and if I had nothing to do, I'd just go there. So it required relatively little commitment.

So I identified as a "yogi" but it didn't take much sacrifice to do it.

As a suburban dad of 3, working out requires greater commitment than it did before, and I am failing to muster the required level of commitment to overcome that friction sometimes. While my neighbor is more committed because I guess it's part of his identity.

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drivebyhooting 2 days ago | parent [-]

You say committed. I hear sacrifice. What will you sacrifice to do yoga for 2 hours? Most likely the children or wife’s wellbeing.

I used to climb V10. I can’t train like that anymore unless I’m willing to sacrifice something else for it.

	▲	xyzelement 2 days ago \| parent [-]
		Here's the reality. If I REALLY wanted to make 2 hours for exercise a day, I could: 1. Eliminate all digital distraction, which I am sure adds up to more than an hour every day. 2. Specifically, if I turned off my phone in the evening, I could go to bed at least an hour earlier and thus wake up an hour earlier to work out. 3. I could negotiate an arrangement with my wife that creates an hour for me - I haven't even tried. 4. I could look into hiring a babysitter for an hour a day. Each of those things is "a sacrifice" of something but on a conscious level I am happy to sacrifice digital distraction or the cost of a babysitter for an hour. The fact that I haven't jumped to do this (but my neighbor, perhaps, has) is what I am talking about.

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kraftman 2 days ago | parent | prev [-]

The Jewish couple also has a huge amount of community and family support that the secular couple has been stripped of.

	▲	xyzelement 2 days ago \| parent \| next [-]
		That's 100% true but it goes back to the same point. The religious couple has that support because they and their family made the choices to stay in proximity. The secular couple may in theory want the same thing but in reality made a very different choice. For example they might identify as "cool ppl who of course want to live in NYC" more than "future parents that want to be close to the family.
	▲	yen223 2 days ago \| parent \| prev \| next [-]
		Building up community support is a thing you can do too!
	▲	saltserv 2 days ago \| parent \| prev [-]
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