If “the family” is getting together, it is probably for the benefit of a matriarch and/or patriarch on which your very physical existence on this planet depended during your developmental years. Attend for the critical event of the holidays (Thanksgiving dinner, sharing presents for Christmas, Easter dinner for Christians as an example)…it’s literally the least you can do, assuming the logistics work out. Then punt if it’s too much. People change over the years and you may find the family becomes more tolerable as you and they age. You won’t find that out unless you show up every now and then.

> which your very physical existence on this planet depended during your developmental years

I don’t believe children ever owe their parents anything, accounting for the fact that having children is inherently a selfish act and children don’t consent to having been born. This foundational disagreement may bubble up to disagreement in general about familial obligations (or the illusion of obligation) and how to approach them.

Certainly, how you approach your own unique situation is going to be a function of your tolerance, boundaries, prioritization of self care and your own wellbeing, as well as compassion for anyone you feel deserving of your time, attention, and interaction capacity. Do no harm, but take no shit.