It will be difficult to find a phone that does all this, but a USB hub, a flash drive and a headphone adapter would get you most of what you ask for. It won't make coffee though.

The obviousness being that you've got the general-purpose computing essentials covered without impeding safe and (more) secure handheld operation.

Hub (or dock) compatibility is also a necessity, but that's for locked-in-place or steadily-positioned operation, e. g. on the table, or from a car port.