Fun story time:

Almost a decade ago now, I was a happy, high-functioning alcoholic. Winery tours, Scotch tastings, workplace drinks, etc.

It was all "fine" until I started struggling to get to sleep without a little "nudge"; then it was getting back to sleep in the wee hours; then it was every hour or two, 24x7.

Then I decided to go cold turkey while on vacation in Hawaii with my family, because who wants to be the drunk asshole in search of a cocktail while everyone else is having a good, sober time at the beach?

Boom: detox seizures, ER visit, and the ever-so-helpful prescription of Ativan so I wouldn't seize again. I was discharged with the instructions to "take as needed, up to every four hours." Since I was an addict in pain, I took that to mean, "take them every four hours, or maybe more often."

Cut forward 3-4 days, and the scrip ran out. Boom: more DTs, this time from the benzos.

It wasn't long after that when I went through my first inpatient psych visit b/c I was in no way equipped to handle withdrawals from two highly-addictive drugs at the same time.

Sadly it took another couple of years and another trip through the ER + inpatient care before I realized that doctors would and did prescribe me meds that were actively harmful in the interest of short-term comfort.

It's been six years since the last big episode and I'm genuinely grateful I only threatened myself with my shitty brain chemistry (however aggravated by poor medical intervention) rather than putting other people at risk. It could have been much worse if, say, I routinely drove people around or did any kind of safety-critical work.

Regardless: benzos are not "lightweight" drugs, and giving them to people with any kind of history of substance abuse disorders is a Bad Idea.

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nyargh 5 hours ago | parent | next [-]

I appreciate the bravery of you and others in this thread, sharing details of really horrible - and at the time likely very shameful experiences.

I'm glad to hear you (all) made it to the other side, and hope your stories give others who are struggling with addiction courage to seek help and free themselves.

	▲	howtoquitwell 2 hours ago \| parent [-]
		Thank you for the kind words. Honestly, having gone through recovery and grappling with all the shit I didn’t want to acknowledge has been a gift. Learning to not hate myself for bad decisions I made in the past creates a lot of space to be compassionate and (hopefully) skillful in helping other people who are struggling. (Not to mention myself, when I fuck up…which is often.) It can always be worse, and I’ve lived through enough “bad” to be grateful for how much easier mundane shit like taxes, politics, and argumentative kids are by comparison. :)

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stingraycharles 4 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

How are you feeling now, and how well does your brain recover from these things? I always wonder whether these kind of things have some lasting effect on, say, your ability to focus.

	▲	howtoquitwell 3 hours ago \| parent [-]
		Happy to say I'm in a much better place now. Recovery was/is hard, but therapy, meditation, sleep, and exercise -- plus boring old antidepressants -- keep me on much more stable ground. Also family: I have kids now, and being there for them and my wife is a bigger source of motivation than taking care of myself a good portion of the time. With regards to focus: I've struggled with that for my entire life, starting long before I ever took a drink or anything harder. Perhaps unsurprisingly, bipolar (which I 100% am) and ADHD (~95% sure; just not medicating for it b/c, y'know, "fun" drugs are a problem) are very common dual-diagnoses with substance disorders. So it's not so much that the substance abuse made me less able to focus; it's more that I've _always_ struggled with slowing down and staying put. Alcohol and other downers were always a form of self-medication.

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khazhoux 3 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

> before I realized that doctors would and did prescribe me meds that were actively harmful in the interest of short-term comfort

The number of times I've read about celebrities and random people in deep addiction (or eventual death), whose starting point was just pain relief from a run of the mill injury. Makes me wonder what idiocy has overtaken these doctors. "Here, take these so you don't have to suffer a sore back for the two next weeks. And btw, you may become deeply addicted and it might cost you your life. Good luck!"