I’d love it if I could bring my own computer to do my work, rather than be stuck with garbage hardware because of an enterprise agreement.

Wait, okay maybe I'm in a bubble, but every org I've worked at understood that giving us whatever hardware we want more than pays for itself, and very quickly.

I can't fathom the logic of paying 10k a month for a developer and giving them an 800 device.

Insane. Your leadership is severely broken. If you can, work somewhere that values you.