In 2025 I was on a road-trip with my then girlfriend of a few months. Life was then, as it is now, a lot. I’ll spare the details, but at some point she asked “what’s the worst case scenario?” Calmly and casually I said, “Worst case scenario is I take my own life.” I was going to continue going, and was just matter of factly stating that suicide was a “ripcord” or last option. This apparently triggered her and she said, “if you feel that way I might was well jump out of the car right now.” I was pretty shocked to hear this, and perceived it as a general lack of support. And I felt ashamed for sharing this. But after unpacking things I learned her mother used to threaten self-harm as a matter of routine and her default response became to threaten to leave the situation, or something.

I’m not sure exactly why I share this, perhaps I think some comments about suicide being an “escape hatch” resonated with me. I’ve since sought support, going just short of self-hospitalization, and I was on a SSRI until recently switching to a non-antidepressant.

While life remains Messed Up, I keep telling myself two things: (1) If you’re really considering killing yourself, try “ killing yourself” in the gym (often super hard exercise makes me feel infinitely better); and (2) “Wouldn’t it make a better story if I didn’t (kill myself)?”

I’m getting through, day by day, and I’ve got some strong “protective factors,” however they’re not invincible or bulletproof so I need to remain vigilant and avoid doing anything impulsive. And just try to remember that if I keep making good decisions one day at a time things will get better in the long-run.