I will speak from my experience. When I was younger, I considered myself very smart, and I was pretty unhappy. As I grew, I met people much smarter than me; I stopped seeing myself as "the smart" one, and now I am pretty happy.

It's not that I became happier because I became less smart; I became happier when I stopped thinking my value was based on my intelligence, so I stopped trying to be recognized by my intellect and started working on my mental health and building healthy relationships.

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annzabelle 4 hours ago | parent | next [-]

I got labeled "smart but lazy" at a pretty young age (high test scores, didn't do any homework), and I let that label stick with me for far too long. I took some pride in how I could get the top score in a class without studying, and didn't realize that studying itself was a useful skill. I let this whole mindset drag me down through undergrad (especially once I hit the point where I really ought to have studied), and I think it made me miserable.

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rootusrootus 3 hours ago | parent | next [-]

> I got labeled "smart but lazy" at a pretty young age (high test scores, didn't do any homework)

Same experience here. I could find just about anything else I wanted to do except homework. Spent all night coding many times. Went to school and aced all the tests, skipped all the homework, did not get good grades as a result. My dad actually arranged a visit with a psychiatrist who did an official IQ test (wooo! I'm a genius! yay!) and then told my dad I was destined to either be a fabulously wealthy entrepreneur, or homeless. LOL

The joke's on them, I ended up deciding to succeed in school after all, got my BS & MS in CS, and I've had boring, predictable jobs throughout my whole career. Neither fabulously wealthy nor destitute. Oh well!

Real happiness remains elusive. Even though I adore my wife & kids and have what the vast majority of the population would consider a pretty cushy job and lifestyle.

	▲	paulpauper 33 minutes ago \| parent [-]
		This is consistent with the Terman study. The large majority of subjects had productive careers and lives for the follow-up.

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whateverboat 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

I got labeled smart but lazy because I had dysgraphia. It took me a PhD to get rid of that label. And don't get me wrong, I loved doing the work I did in my PhD and I love the job I have now due to the PhD, but sometimes I wonder if I did a PhD and did a lot of sacrifices for it only to get rid of that label, and I might have probably been not as rich but somehow may be more happier otherwise. (And might have still done a PhD anyway, since I think I was inclined like that.)

Now I am still called smart, and due to the sheer effect of having to get rid of the label, also called hard working, and I'm happy or at least quite content.

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annzabelle 3 hours ago | parent [-]

That's interesting. I'm considering going back to get a second bachelor's in biology or biochemistry (my first is in math) and then going to PA school or medical school. I have to wonder a bit if part of that whole plan is that I want to show myself that I can be a good, hardworking student.

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brailsafe an hour ago | parent [-]

I am now and have in the past been in this sort of position, albeit not with an existing completed degree under my belt, just a simple one-year continuing-ed diploma and years of sporadic career experience.

I went back to attempt to complete my CS degree on the basis that I figured I already had learnt most of what I would learn anyway and might as well both prove to myself I can do it, as well as get the credential for whatever it was worth. This was when I was ~27, and hadn't been diagnosed with ADHD yet. I discovered that I was absolutely capable in theory, but that the hard part wasn't the material, rather it was doing rote tasks to get the grade regardless of that grade's relevance in the field. I found myself completely capable of doing the homework and understanding, writing various persuasive essays, and intellectually applying myself, but failing horribly when it came to anything my brain identified as less interesting than any other subject matter, and I had effectively no control over that (unmedicated). I also had no ability to be on time, and once I realized that I was effectively wasting time and money trying to pass through the Type A Gen X career gate defined largely by the binary of having a degree/not having a degree, I opted to not continue. It wasn't about learning anything, it was about a checkmark, and I didn't and never have really internally care about checkmarks.

It would be the easiest material or courses that I'd bomb the hardest at, forget to do entirely, or simply not be stressed enough to do well; basic trivia, courses where 50% of the grade depended on labs where I'd be required to draw diagrams by hand, exams that required writing Java for 3 hours in pencil. When other students were anxiously scribbling away, I just flatout wasn't worried about it and just kind of spaced out for a while wondering why I was trying to bother. Exams require anxiety in some form or fashion, and in many cases I could not provoke that in myself. In some cases, I indeed didn't do so well on an exam either because I couldn't burn it into working memory well-enough (never having learned a study practice that worked for me) or I overslept... as a 27 year old adult.

Now, I'm once again out of work, considering going back to school for... something, but I have all that exposure in the back of my mind. Even now that I'm medicated and otherwise quite happy, I have doubts that I'd be able to succeed in any type of educational institute unless every facet was perfectly aligned for me. Having money on the line or an abstract incentive aren't sufficient rewards to have a functional impact; I need to find it intriguing throughout and believe it's useful, or be fighting my way out of a tangible corner, of which I'm not in and don't naturally panic about being in.

	▲	annzabelle an hour ago \| parent [-]
		I did take a one off course at a local college a couple years back and was able to do well (had a 95% average all semester) and get all my homework done. It was, however, a subject I found fascinating. On the other hand, my work performance severely suffered that semester and I got my first poor performance review. Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that stimulant ADHD medication isn't for me. It worked well as a child, but as an adult it's just unpleasant and jittery. I took strattera for a couple years and it seemed to help, but we swapped it for wellbutrin to help with seasonal depression, and it just doesn't have the same efficacy. In the end I may need to come to the conclusion that I'm not temperamentally cut out for academic success, and my math bachelor's does seem to have been a decent enough entry point to a career in software.

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nico 4 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Sometimes accountability is not enough. Medication and therapy might help, as it can be the case with ADHD. Many people with it fit the pattern of “smart but lazy”

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annzabelle 3 hours ago | parent | next [-]

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 7 and took medication for it until 9th grade when I went off it because I didn't like how it made me feel, and I have really disliked it when I've been back on it as an adult. Strattera was better, though now I'm on Wellbutrin instead. I did a lot of therapy over the years, and never found it helpful, though I never did it with an organization focused coach.

I do think a lot of it was the attitude I took towards school. I know a lot of other people with ADHD who were less arrogant and approached school in a better way because of that.

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rootusrootus 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

I won't claim that I've ever suffered real ADHD, but after an experience I had years ago with phentermine, that stuff would have been magic when I was a teenager. Turned me into an unstoppable, focused machine. And phentermine isn't labeled for that effect, which makes me wonder what adderall would be like.

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throwaway173738 4 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

In education these kids are termed “twice-exceptional” because they test as gifted but have some kind of disability that makes some things challenging.

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frickinLasers 3 hours ago | parent | next [-]

I think you might be misreading this person. If the point of homework is to learn the subject, while tests assess your understanding of the subject, why do the homework if you already have a strong grasp on it as soon as the teacher explains it? If the point of doing homework is to keep you busy, there are better things to do with one's childhood. Unless the disability you're referring to is that they never learned how to struggle (because no struggle was offered)...

	▲	annzabelle 3 hours ago \| parent [-]
		It wasn't necessary to learn the material, but homework counted for 20% of the grade in a lot of my classes, and if I had done more of it, I would've had a higher GPA that would've given me more opportunities later on. And, I would've practiced that skill of sucking it up and doing stuff that you don't feel like you need to do. On the other hand, I had so much free time as a child and I spend a lot of it reading or messing around with computers.

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annzabelle 4 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

Yeah, I was labeled twice-exceptional and medicated for it, but there was also this general thing where I felt like I was special for not needing to study and that it was something to take pride in, which I don't think is inherent to ADHD. I have some friends who also have ADHD and are decently smart, but they have always taken pride in being hard workers, and have come out much more academically successful than I did.

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SoftTalker 4 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Yeah similar here. By the time I needed to really study (3rd year of undergrad) I faced the hard reality that I had never developed the necessary habits.

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__mharrison__ an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

Would you have preferred another label? If so, which one?

Asking because...

	▲	annzabelle an hour ago \| parent [-]
		Not really sure. The ADHD/"Gifted"/Twice Exceptional labels were even worse. I really wish my parents had made sure to always praise effort more than they praised me for the exam scores I got without studying. There was more focus from them on the final exam grade than on the process of showing my effort to the school system, and it created a sense of pride in how lazy I was. I guess, don't praise your kids for lucky talents, praise them for the work they put in. I also wish that there had been more focus on participating in sports as a young child and less focus on therapy/psychiatry. As an adult I have found staying active is a much better treatment for my distractible/hyperactive tendencies than meds/therapy ever were. My mom didn't sign me up for sports because my brothers and I had so many shrink appointments, and looking back, I think she had it the wrong way around.

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cindyllm 3 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

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PaulRobinson 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

My dad once told me that being smart was a curse in some ways, but he framed it as having a World view that few others had.

I think however your take on it is closer: when you're smart, you're told you're smart (both as a positive and as a negative - I was bullied for it), it just becomes part of your self dialogue and identity and it gets in the way.

It's taken years of therapy for me to get to the point where I realised none of that really mattered as much as having great relationships with people I liked, and going for long walks in green spaces and not thinking about anything.

	▲	mboerwink an hour ago \| parent [-]
		RE self dialogue: I think it is also self-reinforcing in a positive way. "I am competent and capable of this" is certainly less distracting internal dialogue than "maybe I'm not smart enough" to children. I believe most adults eventually get better at ignoring this type of thing altogether, since it isn't really useful or productive.

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ColdStream 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

It was Buddhism Monk Ajhan Brahm, before he started down that path he was going down the university path studying theoretical physics. The one thing that stood out to him was just how miserable so many of the smarter people where, and just how much they clung to their ego's and status. There was a moment when it dawned on him "I don't want to be anything like these people!".

Another great one was this by Gen Kelsang Sherab. In his final interview for his music studies they asked something like "How will you pursue this in future?", his response was "I will not, I choose to pursue happiness."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS_swacFLNU

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xivzgrev 4 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

how did you make this transition?

i still, deep down, identify as being "smart". i don't like being wrong, and it's my go-to ego lick at work, "well bad thing x may have happened, but at least I'm still valued for being smart". it was my label in high school that i've never quite shed.

obviously now i have so many more facets - father, husband, leader, writer/reader. Smartness is just raw horsepower, it's what you do with it that matters. And there's lots of kinds of "smarts". As an example, my wife wasn't the traditional "book smart" but she's emotionally & street smart - knows how to get things done, how to think on her feet, etc.

but still despite that increased richness from life experience, I'm still "smart" and hold on to it

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ok_dad 16 minutes ago | parent | next [-]

In what way are you smart? I started to think about the things I was good and bad at, and I realized I'm only good at certain types of problems and work due to practice and study. Try to be confident in your interests and pursuits where you know you have experience or you want to gain experience, but don't be overconfident and begin think you know about things that you barely scratched the surface of. A good start is to never assume you know how to solve a problem that has been unsolved for ages, in general. Often, the people who hang out here don't know that line because they think they're "smart".

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dnlosx 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

My process was a multi-year process of recognizing my vulnerabilities. A couple of things that come to mind.

Meeting and liking people who were really different from me, with mindsets completely different. The kind of people I would previously judge as "dumb" were suddenly teaching things that improved my life. For example, my beliefs are science-oriented, and I am very skeptical, but now I have close friends who are esotericists, and I really enjoy passing time with them.

The book "The Courage To Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Help me a lot to understand myself and my insecurities.

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stasomatic 3 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

i still, deep down, identify as being "smart".

Is it that you think you are smart, or smarter than the others? Is it about your deeper knowledge about a few specific subjects that interest you but not others?

I've been and am in this trap. I think I am not dim. I doubt it's genetic, because I have living relatives, so :) I am smart about USB-C accessories, nobody else cares. They are smart about living their lives to the fullest.

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christophilus 4 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

For me, I realized how insufferable my smart friends were, and I looked at people who I admired and whose company I enjoyed, and I realized humility was a key trait among the people I liked best. I’m still insufferable, though, but hopefully less than before!

	▲	ColdStream 3 hours ago \| parent [-]
		Like the whole meme of "Well actually...". Sometimes you just need to let it go, choose peace over proving something. Occasionally I still get caught up in something but it is very rare nowadays.

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IshKebab an hour ago | parent | prev | next [-]

I think it's pretty frustrating being an outlier in any dimension. Your specific needs are always ignored. Being smart is no different. At least when I was in school they were always like "eh he'll do fine, let's concentrate on the borderline dunces".

When you leave school you can find your level a lot easier - go to a university and get a job where other people are at the same skill level. At least that's what made me happier after leaving school - I didn't have to mix with stupid arseholes.

It wasn't until I had kids and was suddenly thrown into a roughly random selection of 30 people that I remembered just how few of the general population I have anything remotely in common with. School sucks.

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aaron695 4 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

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