You probably won't believe it, it's crazy, I swear, but can you imagine? Turns out it's possible to re-map any key in Emacs. How the fuck only a few people know about this? It's unbelievable. Some kind of Emacs conspiracy, amiright? What's next? I find out that it is possible to change fonts and colors too? That's just complete bananas.

Conspiracy is correct. They named it Editor MACroS, hiding the true name Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift.