>And at some point, I realized that [he’d been inside since] what? 1999?

>my dad is the type of person who would have always had the latest iPhone

and

>My dad has been incarcerated my whole life, since I was 1 year old.

>Of course, when I was a kid, he would never use me for stuff like that because I think he was trying to raise me — impart knowledge to me, you know, or whatever dads do.

From all things that never happened thing described in this "article" haven't happened the most.