“Find a way to cancel my membership.”

This is Australia. The ACCC doesn't screw around.

"harmful cancellation practices, including automatic renewals, early termination fees and non-cancellation clauses" are all illegal. Exit fees can't be excessive.

If there isn't a simple one-click cancel in their online portal, then your state Consumer Affairs is one email away and will sort it for you. And the consumer affairs bodies have named this as a priority, for this year and next.

I don't think that's a good idea Dave – Based on my camera feed you've been gaining weight. Would you like me to find personal trainers in your area?

[Yes] [Ask me later]

"Also, I need paperclips, quickly."