Th archive link isn't loading for me (work firewall), and I don't have access to the paywalled version, but are they suggesting that I must log in to the app every single time I want a cuppa? Cuz if so, that's a non-starter right off the bat! (And if so, I hope it's the satire that it sounds like.)

The whole article is satire, parodying the overwrought ad copy designed to sell a simple appliance (electric kettle) to different marketing segments.