> "if you want other people to care about you and your desires, you need to care about them and theirs and SHOW them that this is the case: here's how."

Isn't this highly manipulative?

It’s manipulative if you don’t care and pretend you do, especially to achieve a goal of your own.

It’s not manipulative if you cultivate the tendency to actually care about others, and not treat them like NPCs who are only important for your goals.

I take your point, but aren't most social interactions technically manipulative through this lens?

If you wear nice clothes and exercise, then are you just trying to manipulate people into thinking you have taste and are attractive?

If you work hard at your job and are responsive to your boss's requests, then are you just manipulating them into thinking you're a good worker and giving you a raise?

These tools can certainly be misused (see shitty salespeople), but I don't "attempting to convince others that you are cool and likable" is problematic and manipulative.

Just don't fake it. That's the part people have a problem with. I just read it as "if you want people to care about your shit, then it's only fair you care about theirs first."

Only if you think of it that way -- making every human interaction purely transactional.

Conversely, there's something I've used as a guiding principle for a while now that isn't quite the same, but in the same direction: to receive help, be helpful.

Both of these also fall under the greater umbrella of "treat others as you would like to be treated".

It’s basically “If you want to be liked, you should try to be likable.”

Is the only way to not be manipulative to be a curmudgeonly jerk?

If being pleasant means being manipulative, then indeed everyone should try to be a bit more manipulative.