They've pivoted to good news. It's more absurd.

https://theonion.com/breaking-all-of-world-s-problems-solved...

It is still bad news. The last sentence refers to things working out for everyone except the reader:

"Sources went on to report that, due a minor oversight that also occurred as you slumbered, your student loans must still be repaid in full and are now subject to a highly predatory ballooning interest rate."