Love the Mitch Hedberg reference! Thank you! Always good to get a little Mitch!

‘I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.’

‘I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.’

‘I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.’

‘I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.’

"I was going to get my teeth whitened but then I said, fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead."