I figured out why it wouldn't work on my machine:

    @media (prefers-reduced-motion: reduce) {
        *, *::before, *::after {
            animation-duration: 0.01ms !important;
            animation-iteration-count: 1 !important;
            transition-duration: 0.01ms !important;
        }
    }

Ah! Tried to add an accessibility feature and broke it! I’ll see what I can do to find a better middle ground.