Oh, hmm... I must be an asker.

I've done a lifetime of code review over the last decade. Let me tell you, the number times I have asked what I assumed were simple yes/no questions like "Would it make sense to do X?" or even "Why did we do it this way?" in cases where I'm looking for a discussion and it's been taken as a call to action is just wild.

They're competent developers, I just want to understand the code and the context behind it. I want to understand what their thoughts were while building it. Yet so many times a simple question like "Why X and not Y?" results in the person whose code I am reviewing going ahead and refactoring the entire PR without return comment, or in rare cases getting angry with the question. We actually had a DBA with a history of flying off the handle over simple questions but from what I've heard this is common among DBAs? He eventually got let go over it.

If I wanted you to change it, I would have said so. My question is not wrapped up in insinuation or hidden intent. It's a question I want the answer to. There are no layers to the meaning. I basically never mean anything I do not explicitly say.

I have gotten so frustrated with this that I have started specifying "You can say no", "I'm just trying to understand the thought process", or "I'm just curious, no need to change it". Things I still feel like I shouldn't have to tell another person with an engineering mindset, especially someone with many years of experience.

This isn’t really a guess vs ask distinction, this is you just not understanding people. Those initial questions you asked are:

1. Often an implicit call to action from the person asking the question. Maybe YOU don’t mean it that way, but people have learned to be cautious

2. A distraction from actual work, and not worth it personally for a public discussion. Maybe the answer is “I don’t know” or “This is the fastest good-enough thing I could build to satisfy a dumb requirement”. But no one wants to say those things publicly, so they are cautious before answering

It’s especially aggravating when you get those questions from someone new in authority

The “why did we do X and not Y?” style of question is a commonly used passive aggressive crutch to tell someone to do Y instead, while attempting to not look mean/harsh. Its the same reason people use “we” in the first place.

You may not be using it this way but because many others are that’s how it’ll typically be interpreted