>or buy a 2x levered VIX ETF.

Which isn't even tied to the spot price of VIX on a daily basis.

So buying VIX as a hedge against black swan events (or Donald Trump's stupidity) is a losing trade, which is wild to me.

It's not tied to the spot price of the VIX because there is no spot price. It's a third order calculated quantity based on options pricing. Not that anyone who gambles on that ETF knows that.