Hi! You have been selected as a perfect candidate for an Institutional Relationships Manager position at Meta. You will join fellow internal and contract lobbyists in an exciting journey to manipulate our government into infinite compliance.

We particularly appreciated the following skills, as highlighted by your insightful commentary:

- great use of false dichotomy

- creative ideation of rare and improbable use cases for our products

- immediate deflection from the large corpus of scientific data pointing at the negative effects of social media on teenagers (don’t worry, won’t happen again, we fired those responsible for that)

- invocation of free expression as the supreme unbridled right even for teenagers who wouldn’t even understand what you’re talking about

- disregard for the societal institutions and support systems that, besides the family, are currently still available for the average teenager

- lack of any figure in appealing to edge cases. We particularly like this one, because it’s been proven to effectively exaggerate the biased edge cases and make it effective against our opponents’ use of hard data.

What a fine, fine candidate! Please send your CV to us. A representative will be in touch shortly!