I appreciate the thought, but advice like this is completely irrelevant to my current circumstances (and personal principles) and would be very expensive (respectively, emotionally unpleasant) to implement.

Just trying to help given that you responded. I'm happy to help you find solutions but the constraints might be too much, unfortunately. If you don't have a machine that can run local AI and don't have the funds to buy one then frankly it just isn't in the cards. But hey, if you don't want to use AI or at least willing to use non-local then the setup probably doesn't require you to spend a dime.