You are being downvoted, but I agree with you.

I've always believed sh, csh, bash, etc, are very bad programming languages that require excessive efforts to learn how to write code in without unintentionally introducing bugs, including security holes.

Sir, this is a Wendy's.

If you want all-singing, all-dancing opaque binaries to handle every conceivable configuration eventuality, MacOS and Windows are <-- that way. Or, you could have patience, and sometime soon systemd will likely expand to cover your use-case.