*FDA approves over-the-counter CRISPR for lactose intolerance*

Finally, science has gone full Costco. Just imagine you stroll into CVS, grab a bag of Doritos, a gallon of milk, and—oh look—CRISPR in aisle 3.

‘Excuse me, where do you keep the gene-editing kits?’ ‘Right next to the chewing gum, sir.’

Now lactose intolerant folks can casually reprogram their DNA like they’re updating an iPhone.

Warning label: ‘Side effects may include glowing in the dark, mooing at strangers, and sudden urges to graze in fields.’

Honestly, I can’t wait for the sequel: over-the-counter CRISPR for people who can’t parallel park.