This reminds me of my mental journey playing League of Legends for a really long time.

It's a 5v5 team game and very famous for its toxic community. What MOBA isn't? Anyway a regular experience as a LoL player is being in a steady state, or maybe even ahead of the other team, only to have your position trashed because one of your teammates keeps making repeated mistakes.

The first couple years I played, this would make me super mad. Exactly what the author felt in online games of Bughouse. Sometimes I would get mad at people I knew IRL, which I'm pretty ashamed of. Putting in a lot of effort and still losing feels bad. I never had this feeling when I would get absolutely crushed in 1v1 fighting games because ultimately I was fully responsible for every loss.

After a while though, I kind of stopped getting upset about losses in LoL. Maybe part of a broader mindset shift, or I just recognized that the only productive thing to do is try your best, do not self-identify as "someone who wins", and extract as much value from a loss as you can. In the long run, you win more and more games that way.

Eventually I stopped playing entirely, for other reasons, but that's also a valid approach. IME most people (including myself) who play games like this a lot and experience Bughouse Rage usually have an unhealthy amount of their self-worth wrapped up in the game.