> or you have to helicopter-parent and tell your kids who to be friends with...

Isn't that essentially what you're describing, though? You literally talked about "healthy communities, hand-picked by parents to keep away problem children". No, you don't have to tell them who to be friends with... but you've pre-selected the pool of potential friends, so there's no instruction necessary.

    Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals.