I can't bring myself to try an SSRI. I just cannot do it. I've got a prescription for an NDRI on my desk, and I still won't take it. I am not anti-psychiatry either. I take psychiatric medication for a different condition already. But something about anti-depressants just doesn't sit well with me.

As crazy as it may sound, I think a lot of my depression stems from living a life that is not true to myself and due to countless failed attempts to be someone I cannot never be. As far as I am concerned, depression is just a symptom of my situation and not some true disorder. For the sake of analogy, I would say it's like food poisoning. Yes, the GI issues are awful, but the body is responding appropriately.

> I've got a prescription for an NDRI on my desk, and I still won't take it. ... something about anti-depressants just doesn't sit well with me.

At first it sounded like your antipathy was with SSRIs specifically (which I largely share), but it seems like it's anti-depressants in general.

FWIW, I used to think similar to you, and roughly agree with the gist of your second paragraph, but I've come to think of antidepressants as useful in a specific way: people say "it's a crutch" as a negative thing (about a lot of things including antidepressants), but a crutch was very useful to me when recovering from a fracture, and helped me enormously with my progress; similarly, even if "depression is just a symptom of my situation", it can and does often lead to a cycle where the depression itself feeds into the situation and in turn sustains itself. An antidepressant that works for you is a good way to be able to see things more clearly, feel the motivation and insight that depression clouds out, and thus be able to break out of the cycle.

It doesn't have to be a "cure" that counters a disorder, it can be a tool that you use for its purpose and then throw away (and it does sound like you're well-motivated to do that).

> not some true disorder

there's a tool on your desk that might help you solve your problem; what does it matter if the problem is an "appropriate response of your body"? so is pain/anxiety/diarrhea

I'm with you on this. People who pathologize themselves or others - assuming they're malfunctioning rather than acknowledging they might simply be living a life that doesn't fit - have a very limited way of looking at things.

> As crazy as it may sound, I think a lot of my depression stems from living a life that is not true to myself and due to countless failed attempts to be someone I cannot never be. As far as I am concerned, depression is just a symptom of my situation and not some true disorder.

It's true for some, but be wary of such a generalization.

It took many years of people telling me the same thing before I understood what they were saying: "Having an objectively crappy life is normal. Being depressed about it isn't."

(Almost) everyone will have problems - temporary or permanent. And while they may feel down about it for a while, or occasionally, most of them more or less recover their mental health and are not chronically depressed.

Because the majority of people have problems, it becomes easy for a depressed person to think "Ah, this is just due to problem X" or even "This is just because I want a life different from mine". Most people with problems also want a different life than what they have. But they're not depressed.

SSRI can have annoyances (to stay polite) if you ever need a fix so much that you go that route, be sure to ask about them. Didn't help me really but I believe that sometimes, a bit of chemical (placebo or not) relief can help staying afloat enough to work your way back up quicker.

I understand your comment, my issues were due to life circumstances and not a low level neurological imbalance, and I too dismissed these treatments almost entirely, mostly because they felt like blanket solutions from medical professionals who didn't really listen to symptoms.

> *depression is just a symptom of my situation and not some true disorder+

There is a great Bojack Horseman episode in which Diane struggles with the idea of taking antidepressants for similar reasons.

If it’s depression, that’s closer to allergies, chronic inflammation or a broken bone healed wrong than vomiting after food poisoning.

Depression is almost never caused by actual life circumstance - just by your response and usually a delayed response.

Also you should try your SSRI prescription. They really aren't very strong drugs. You might get mild relief or if you're like me and the majority of people you will see no effect whatsoever. It's worth a try anyway. You won't get "high" or "dull" or any of that nonsense. At best it will lift your mood a bit. But more often than not, just won't do anything.

One needs to not work and be able to remain at home for about a week or so to see if the side-effects are manageable. One shouldn't simply continue on with operating machinery or working a job while titrating up a new psychiatric medication. Honestly, employers should offer medical time off for this.