That doesn't provide the same functionality, because it requires a global transformation of your program, changing every caller of .fhqwhgads() (possibly including code written by users of your class that they aren't willing to show you, example code in the docs on your website, code in Stack Overflow answers, code in printed books, etc.). By contrast, in OO languages, you typically just define a single method that's a few lines of code.

You're sinking into the Turing Tarpit where everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy. By morning, you'll be programming in Brainfuck.