Throwaway, to do away with the polite fiction that I usually present.

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown / Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

At 11 I started writing software, with entrepreneurial aspirations helped by my parents. Over my teen years I must have designed a dozen sites I never published. I did alright in school, but I was never on time. At 18, out of high school, I got my first job. I moved to the city, went to college, and flunked out. I couldn't get up for class on time, I couldn't understand the "basic high school review" math course.

So, at 19 I moved back home, worked a year, and moved back to the city to work as a developer. I applied here and there, there was never much interest. I got comfortable, and although ashamed to sickness, I managed to spend the pandemic years not working at all. I suppose my ego and immaturity "prevented" me from working a regular job.

At 23 I moved back to my home town, to work my 3rd job ever, as a cleaner alongside a bunch of teens. After a year of that, I moved to a new big city, swallowed my pride and immediately got another cleaning job. I hoped to move on from that, maybe to software, maybe some new calling.

A new life circumstance hit me like a truck, and I had a very dark year. Stayed at that minimum wage job. 24, 25, moved back home.

The last year I've been trying to improve, taking online courses, going to the gym, building a piece of software that has real value, as in, can actually make money. But, well, I have a hard time believing anything has much of value. I'm 26 now. Spent most of my year "improving", a small portion working.

I maintain the polite fiction because I don't like people asking me why I do the things I do, I don't really know. I guess I do what's easy. A younger me would've chalked it up to "trauma", "anxiety", "depression", or some DSM-able disorder. An older me doesn't believe that at all. But I barely work, don't drive, and I really isolate myself. This was all quite bad before, but after the "circumstance", the last point is especially true.

I know how to get out of the "not working" cycle, I have to get a job first-and-foremost. But I don't know how to get out of the isolation cycle, it's been getting worse and worse. I try and read up on it, but all the advice is about "making friends". That's not really my issue. I feel like an alien, and most everyone drives me insane. Well, at least I can appreciate Kafka.

(After all that, I've never made a dime on software)

▲

orblivion an hour ago | parent | next [-]

> Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown / Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

If it makes you feel any better, this song about the fleeting nature of time is fifty years old and Roger Waters is still touring.

▲

bix6 4 hours ago | parent | prev | next [-]

To get out of the isolation cycle you have to stop isolating yourself.

Go for a walk and talk to a stranger. I talked to a random dude for 45 mins the other day and he showed me all the fish he’s caught. Epic.

Sounds like you like software. Go to a software meet up and geek out.

The friends will come but even a 5 min conversation can have a huge impact on your psyche so just get out there in a way that you feel comfortable with.

▲

it_is_beautiful 4 hours ago | parent [-]

The issue is deeper, I think. When I go to software meetups, I feel bitter. I used to have friends in technology, but most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent. When I'm outside of my hometown, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, and when I'm back... it's hard to describe. I'd rather disappear than have anyone see or think about me. It's hard to even go get groceries now. I used to have "my people", but now I don't have anyone (except a few family members, -ish) that fits that. The common denominator, of course, is me.

I have times of regularity, where I'm charismatic and talking with people. But even then I find that all my stories end with "... that person drives me crazy!" ... Well of course they do, seems like everyone does.

The faults I judge the most in people are the ones I struggle with, or ones I've seen other loved ones struggle with where I wasn't able to help. I want to be kind, to be empathetic really, but I feel so afraid, so incapable of helping, guiding, or even listening empathetically in any way that my reactions are ...bad. Unkind, or alien.

I've been trying. But it's been getting worse.

	▲	bix6 3 hours ago \| parent [-]
		You ever go backpacking? Maybe some time alone in nature will refresh you and help you reframe the human connection.

▲

whamlastxmas 4 hours ago | parent | prev [-]

i also thought i wasnt disabled/traumatized for a long time until i came across reading material of symptoms that perfectly described me, and life experiences that perfectly match my own.

trauma and disability can look like a lot of things, and the things in your life that you may think aren't a big deal actually can be, and you have no idea because you've never had it any other way.

realizing i have intense trauma and C-PTSD and a real disability made me shame myself so significantly less, and while it doesnt make me act like a victim or that im helpless, it gives me a butt load of compassion for myself. because the real basic things that people find easy, i find difficult, and to get the same results requires 3x more effort for me. people can view this as me being lazy when in reality im working much harder than they are.

not trying to diagnose you. maybe just keep an open mind, because the way your life is operating is not typical, and there's probably reasons for that.

	▲	aorist 3 hours ago \| parent [-]
		all of > designed a dozen sites I never published > I was never on time > I couldn't get up for class on time And depending on why > don't drive > I feel like an alien, and most everyone drives me insane. > most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent also sounds like how someone with ADHD could describe themselves, and the other issues could be downstream from that