I mean, I appreciate a "Make Doom run on a pregnancy test" as much as the next guy, but what are you talking about?

At fonts.google.com:

Find font; click download (it's the SECOND blue button)

Unzip and upload to your website.

What am I missing here?

That download is TTF format when it should be WOFF2 split by unicode chrarector sets. And it doesn't have the CSS for it to be a variable font