I have reasons to believe that my sister works like this. We joke that she has "office hours". She will rarely answer messages or calls that she does not expect right away. Then at around eight in the evening, every other days or so, messages will start trickling in.

At first it was a bit annoying, but once you know that she works like that it perfectly fine. I'm starting to think that she's doing modern communication correct.

Author here: this is exactly what had me turn on notifications for email. I first tried without it, but found myself "checking on important responses" way too much.

> This has cost me a relationship. (it was long distance to be fair).

Tbh, (imho, having tried it) in normal circumstances it would be a miracle to make anything really work like that, but at present you're just fighting a losing, nearly irreconcilable battle, unless you're both wholly on the same page about infrequent synchronous communication.

If a relationship relies on immediate responses to async, unpredictable, text-based communication, and what you want is a sane lifestyle, it's going to be a tough situation.

I just tell people that need my attention how to get it. Call me if it's important and/or time sensitive, otherwise I'll just check when I check based on the implied nature of the platform. Instagram is super casual unimportant brainrot usually, Messenger for coordinating plans with older millennials and Gen X family, Whatsapp for younger millennials sometimes, SMS or RCS is slightly more important and I'll get visual but not physical or audible notifications. I make it clear that if it's a group chat, I'll turn notifications off unless I'm specifically tagged, or maybe check in once a week if it's for a specific purpose, but otherwise I hate them. Signal for some things that aren't time sensitive, no notifications, no read receipts on any platform.

Cost you or saved you from... ?

> They will perceive your lack of response as you not prioritising them.

And correctly so: you are prioritizing people that contact you in the normal way (via phone calls).

If I send you a text message, it's usually because I don't need an immediate reply; answering me tomorrow is good enough. If I do need a faster reply (if I'm texting an image or some such, or in a noisy place), I'll make a call afterwards, just long enough to set off your ringer so you hear it.

I also deal with notifications in a different manner: I have different ringtones and extensive notification filters set up. Most of my apps will not make any noise with a notification while the screen is off. Most notifications will not show up on the lockscreen. Most notifications will not show up in the status bar. My standard ringtone is an mp3 with a short quiet ring and a long pause before it ends, so while I do get call notifications they're easy to ignore; only important contacts (family) are allowed to bubble or pop on top, and they also get a different ringtone.

I dread migrating my phone, as none of this can be backed up. I changed phones last year and still find the occasional app that I forgot to blacklist notifications for and never noticed because things related to https://dontkillmyapp.com simply prevents it from running altogether when I haven't used it in the past couple days.